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GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
05-05-2015, 12:10 AM
Post: #21
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
Copying this from Truth's thread, but I want a couple different perspectives. Would you mind giving a critique of the latest Sgt Frog Abridged? It's been over a year since the last episode and at least half a year since we did any abridging. I want to get back into the swing of it so that this season goes strong.

A couple notes:
  • In case you don't follow the series: The first half is the continuation of the arc we have going where the platoon is under attack by the Shurara Corps, while the second half is the culmination of a joke we've had running underneath the plot of Tamama being pregnant. I considered keeping them separate episodes, but this season is looking to logically be the series' last, and I don't want to stretch it out any longer than the Shurara arc itself would take. Besides, it was either that or leaving a certain scene as a fart joke.
  • The episode used for the second half had only two sources I could find: a low-quality Korean version with a watermark in the corner, and a really good Japanese version that opened with a wall of text that lasts around 10 seconds and covers everything. FYI in case you notice a bizarre quality change; it was unavoidable.



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05-21-2015, 01:36 PM (This post was last modified: 05-21-2015 01:36 PM by eagle8burger.)
Post: #22
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
IT'S TIME TO GET SKOOL'D




MVJ
Again, hard call, but I'm going to give it to the titular "Right Wang". It was a fun joke that showed good, mid-brow political humour. It was expressive of the type of political jokes that work for your given audience. It's stuff that most people can understand outside of political groups. Honourable mention to the battleship joke. I really liked it the first time I heard it.

Style
Really nothing to report on here that I didn't mention in the first review, but I did feel it improved on a lot of my earlier complaints. Good job.

Flow
Again, not much to add from my first review. Your style allows you to get away with a lot of things I'd call other people on to tighten up. Before I continue though, I just have to mention

THE INTRO IS TOO DAMN LONG.
THE INTRO IS TOO DAMN LONG.
THE INTRO IS TOO DAMN LONG.

I'm a fan of the intro, I really am. I think it's fun and has a lot of possibilities. But 12 episodes in, the gag is running thin. You're eating up time that I could be watching your brand of comedy instead of random internet videos - something I do too much of anyway. I know you Anax, you're a clever guy, but this isn't clever anymore - it's bland. That said, I think if you changed it up a bit, you could make it funny again. Throw your audience for a loop or something. As it stands - at 30+ seconds in a four minute parody - it's just clunky and amateurish. Please, do something to it to make it feel worthwhile again.

As for the rest of the episode, it felt pretty good. The Red vs. Blue reference was a bit of a face palm and felt like an unnecessary detour from an otherwise funny scene. The reason it doesn't work, in my opinion, is because it's a joke that relies on emotion - something that your style doesn't have. In RvB, it's about Donut trying to defend his masculinity. Here, it's just an observation of the water - and there's zero payoff. Given the amount of material you cut, that's a detour worth dropping in my opinion, unless you want to start adding more emotional humour to your series.

On the positive side, I feel the Toji/GuywithGlasses dialog is improving. "I'm a libertarian, bruh" was a really fun twist on the character dynamic. I'd like to see it reciprocated in more basic talk from GuywithGlasses as well. Azuka's character is coming along nicely too. I think if you start adding bigger payoffs to your straight characters vs. them, you're going to start getting some bigger laughs. This is actually the one parody I watch that could stand to be a bit longer - only because your humour is built around banter and that could stand to go further for bigger joke payoffs. But for real,

TRIM THAT FUCKING INTRO
TRIM THAT FUCKING INTRO
TRIM THAT FUCKING INTRO

Summary
Anax's 12th installment of Abridgellion, "Right Wang", has shown some improvement over his last installments. I still don't think this show has hit its stride, but I still find it entertaining and a breath of fresh air among the clutter of substantially more cinematic parodies. I rate this episode as COOLBEANS. I also would like to award it the "OOOPS, FORGOT ABOUT THE INDEPENDENTS" award for Excellence in American Political Awareness. I look forward to the next episode!

Next time, I will review Awesome Chronicle's Death Note Abridged Series.

Next time I'm drunk and on this site, I will review Spritestuff's SPRIDER FUCKITY FUCK FUCK Parody because I feel that's the only way to do it justice Smile. Brace yourself for typos.

Heart ~ I'LL PLAY MYSELF OUT ~ Heart
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05-21-2015, 06:20 PM
Post: #23
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER

You are what you put your time into.

My Series: https://www.youtube.com/user/Abridgelion

Skype: anax.of.rhodes
E-mail: anaxofrhodes@gmail.com (or Abridgelion@gmail.com )
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/AnaxofRhodes/

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06-08-2015, 11:21 PM
Post: #24
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
Even though you're in this, I still want your opinion on this thing. TEACH ME, EAGLE.




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06-11-2015, 02:52 PM
Post: #25
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
HI. I'M NEIL DEGRASSE8BURGER. TODAY WE LOOK AT THE COSMOS OF ABRIDGING

Sorry, just finished that show. T'was fantastic.





MVJ
I gotta give this to the "handcuffed together" joke. Most, if not all, of your banter between Light and L is fantastic - something imperative for any Death Note Abridged series. The voices are fun, and the progression is great, but that last joke about handcuffs really ties it together. Guudo Jobbo.

Style
It's hard to put a finger on your style. At points, it becomes "fandubbish" given the parts where you're explaining the plot of the show. However, it does a lot of it tongue in cheek and functions as a direct - albeit light (haha, puns) - mock of the show. The phone call trap is a good example of this style of writing.

In other parts, however, its not very consistent. Again, Light and L's shenanigans - which I believe to be the highlight of the show - are a completely different form of comedy pace-wise from the rest. These scenes have great character driven banter. It makes it very clear where you have invested time developing your show - even though I haven't seen all your other episodes, and I definitely commend you for that. This is an Episode 12 that feels like an Episode 12.

With that in mind, I would advise you tailor the show more to its strengths. The vibe I feel is a show that wants to concentrate on its best characters, but is undermined by the fact that it feels a need to cater to the original story's events resulting in sloppy writing relative to the strong components of the show. More on this later. For now, I just want to assert that your show isn't Death Note, it is YOUR SHOW. You get to choose what you cover and what you omit. Never feel a need to cater. Obviously, this may not be the case, but that is the vibe I sense. For this sort of middle of the road departure, I would suggest looking at Alifluro's Noragami series, BuddyVA's HunterXDumber series and Faullero's "Final Series Whose Name Escapes Me" - sorry.

Flow
Again, this was kind of a clusterfuck of pacing, which had a lot to do with your style and took me out of it at some points. The sad thing is, I thought the writing for the most part was decent and kept me involved despite the plethora of problems I had with it. The great thing is, I think with some very minor tweaks, your show can improve (selon moi) immensely. So I'll concentrate on the major areas.

The beginning and ending of this episode were insultingly mundane given how strong you can be when you want to. Both were the among the weakest parts of your episode comedy wise. In your beginning clip you have this fantastic set-up with "OH GOD, I LEFT RYUK AT HOME". I apologize for this but YOU HAD ME FUCKING DROOLING AT THAT SET UP. I WAS SO STOKED. BUT THEN....

"I don't like change."

... Sad I was sad.
Don't get me wrong, this wasn't a bad joke. It gave me a good insight into who Ryuk was, and it has its place in the parody, but just not with this set up. It's like this dunk at 5:20.



Awesome setup. Boring dunk.

It's an awful way to start an episode because it makes you feel like the sky is actually the limit. It's like you're about to send the first rocket off to the moon, and then it just hits the atmosphere and falls to the ground. And that's in the first 20 seconds - your most valuable impression on anyone new watching. Seriously, your first joke should be among your best, or at least the one that speaks to your sense of comedy. From the rest of this episode, I think you have a knack for writing banter with really great outcomes, and this first joke completely insults the comedy you are capable of. This is the first thing people see before a 30 second intro - the part of the show they are most likely to stop viewing at if they are uninterested.

The ending has a similar problem - its just an open ended cliff hanger. No humour. Again, decent lead up, but then the comedy just evaporates and it becomes a drama. There's nothing wrong with writing drama, but it just adds to the clusterfuck. You can sell dramatic comedy, but your parody just feels like a Wal-Mart of...stuff. Gin and tonic can be great together, but they're pretty shitty when not mixed. You need to mix your drama with your comedy, or else you get a tapered off ending where I'm not really sure why I need to tune into your show to find out what happens next.

Too many blackouts. I know Mad Max did it, but please don't. Once or twice? Fine. However, it becomes increasingly annoying as a method of transition. A wipe is the standard in this community - or even a hard cut - because it keeps the energy going. It adds sound and movement. Conversely, the immediate association of a dip to black is "show's over" or "the next day". These are long gaps you are creating no matter how fast the dip is. You are losing momentum rather than gaining it. You need to shift gears better - it will help your flow immensely.

Lastly, the biggest area you can improve is probably the hardest, but it's in your editing. I'm not talking lip flaps or anything, I just mean core editing - knowing what to cut and when to cut it. There are times where a scene just drags or lines feel unnecessary or boring. Things that could be explained in a matter of seconds take minutes and jokes overstay their welcome. One of the biggest problems I found in your parody was that your only rarely cut on high energy. We want to cut on high energy - or at least a bit of a laugh - in order to keep the show going. Here, there were a lot of scenes that dragged for non-comedic purposes, and that hurt the overall impression of the show.

With all that said, I was able to make it through the parody because of the glimmering spots that proved to me you can write jokes, which makes me all the more critical of these flaws. I understand it takes a lot to nut-up and cut stuff, but that's exactly what you have to do. I know countless times I have written full scenes and had to cut them in editing because they conflicted with pacing. Sometimes, that's not an easy pill to swallow, but it will improve your parody so much, it's unreal. I hope all this criticism will helps motivate you to become a harsher critic of yourself, and also motivate you to write even more creative humour.

Summary
AwesomeChroniclesUK's "Death Note Abridged Episode 12" is an Oreo cookie - I'd much rather eat the middle first. At its center is a fun, character driven dialogue, but is unfortunately swarmed around by mediocre, plot catering..."meh"ness. However, the best parts of this show are worth watching, for sure, and if the show becomes more original and invests more showtime on its best assets, I can see it becoming a juggernaut among Death Note Parodies. For now, I rate it as SWIFFER REQUIRED. The room is still relatively clean on the whole, but the corners need some serious mopping. I also award it the BROMOSEXUAL TROPHY for Excellence in Crafting a Genuine Relationship Among Yaoibait Characters. Good job! Excited to see what you do next!

Next time, shit gets...froggy.

Heart ~ I'LL PLAY MYSELF OUT ~ Heart
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06-13-2015, 09:39 AM
Post: #26
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
I appreciate the criticism, man, and I pretty much agree with you 100%.

I don't really have a concept of pacing, especially when editing. Doing all the editing and stuff by myself for several years, I think I've lost touch with how other people go about things more efficiently.

I was never really sure what our strong areas were, mainly because I never trusted my own opinion or the opinions of those I knew, believing them to probably be bias - so it's good to get a third-party, who has no reason to be bias toward me, tell me this stuff. Focus more on our characters cause we are capable of writing decent dialogue - got it!

Episode 13, released a couple weeks ago, did get a little too plotty (our own plot, not Death Note's). Wasn't much we could do about it - just had to get it out of the way - but now we know what to focus on.

I'm trying ever so hard to critique myself more harshly for several months now...not sure how well I'm doing. Oh well. I'll work it out.

Thanks again! Take it easy.

And I always get the shemp.
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11-10-2015, 10:58 AM
Post: #27
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
NEW SEMESTER

Heyo, so I haven't been able to do critique nearly as much as I like and I feel like the reviews that were posted before are long passed their prime - sorry. If you really want a review, feel free to repost and I'll jump on it.

But yah, reset y'all. Post away!

Heart ~ I'LL PLAY MYSELF OUT ~ Heart
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11-10-2015, 12:57 PM
Post: #28
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
Be mah sensei!



My Legend begins and ends with "Fuck You!"
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11-10-2015, 01:49 PM
Post: #29
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
I GET FIRST DIBS. Don't you try to skirt around telling me like it is you sexy bastard.


YouTube: House at a Party
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11-12-2015, 01:06 AM
Post: #30
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
(11-10-2015 12:57 PM)Yaro Shien Wrote:  Be mah sensei!


ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE, STUDENT!

MVJ
Y'know, I'm a sucker of dick jokes (THAT PUN WAS AN ERECT HIT), so I gotta give it UP (oh snap) for the "Impressive Boner" joke, which was an impressive boner joke. No set-up, well timed and caught me completely off guard. It was very much a bright spot.

Style
This feels like a very fan-servicy dub. I knew Hestia was a waifu before I had a grasp of waifu culture. Everything about this parody feeds that. I mean it's just fuck joke, fuck joke, fuck joke, fuck joke, tit joke, fuck joke, titty fuck joke, fuck joke. To an extent, I applaud that. I think it's ballsy (oh no, not another one!), but it could be done better. I'd look at WTS' Rakes as an effective means of pulling that off.

Super-adult humour does have its place, I just don't think you're pulling it off effectively here. You can't play the same note over and over again. You need go up or down. That doesn't mean lose the energy, but just change up what your jokes are about. Think about where your leading an audience, what they're expecting and how to flip that. A clean joke plays great after a string of dirty jokes. Don't be afraid to be PG every once in a while. Alternately, get dirtier and take the audience out of their comfort zone. Just something to play with expectations.

Flow
This is gonna be a weird criticism, so bear with me. Yaro, I know your great with sound effects and have a great taste in music, but I felt those were the two weakest parts of your episode despite them being well done and well selected.

Yeah, that's fucked up. I'll explain:

The music choices like Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachmuzik were good at characterizing the scenes they were intended for, but they didn't reflect the pacing you were trying to establish or the pace you were cutting your frames at. In other words, they worked with establishing location, but didn't work with your pacing. The song you chose for the first scene was the biggest example of this. You had exceptionally fast dialogue against a song that was slow and mundane. This really got in the way of what you were trying to establish on paper pace-wise, but did fit the location of the scene. It really took me out. I thought the first 40 seconds were 2 minutes - that's not good.

Same with sound effects. The Minotaur scene is beautifully done soundwise, but it just doesn't fit. This show is stupid, Yaro. IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID. I KNOW. I'VE WATCHED IT. And I get it - you're a sound guy, and fuck if you don't do a great job if this were a fandub. The problem is it clashes so heavily with the dick joke thematics of your comedy and, at least I feel, takes away from it.

And then there's the lipflaps, which I normally don't comment on, but here I feel I have to. They're so inconsistent, I feel it hurt the parody. I get it - they're running, they're moving, and eventually you're gonna hit the "fuck it" point. It's natural, and I don't blame you. The problem is it comes off as lazy, and in some areas - places where I know you know what masking is and how to use it - it's painfully annoying. Seriously, Yaro, this has to be the first time I've critiqued someone where the visual quality didn't add up to the audio quality. I'm almost always the exact opposite.

Finally, there's the length at almost 10 minutes. I get that this is 2 or 3 episodes worth of show you're covering, but that shouldn't excuse it from feeling slow. Some scenes could have been trimmed, and some dropped. There also felt like there was a strong lack of plot which is necessary to make it to the 10 minute mark. Bell or Hestia need to have goals and objectives to drive the plot forward. Even in CodeMENT - which is stupid as fuck - there are goals like saving Nunally, or...saving Nunally.

...fuck you, I can't think of more.

But shit like Pokemon 'Bridged, SAO Abridged or, dare I say it, Fate/Cero give their characters something to go off of and pursue for the duration of an episode. Here, I just get that Bell maybe wants to fuck some people and not fuck other people but is okay with fucking as long as he can draw dicks on people.

And on top of that weakness, you're throwing a comedy that keeps throwing fuck joke after fuck joke like it's some perverted Olympic event. Paired with structure, with an end joke the whole episodes building toward, it's much more effective. And it's not that you can't just make a fuckton of fuck jokes, but the way you're going about it isn't the most effective way. If you give me something to care about with your characters, I will find the fuck jokes funnier. If you make the episode feel professional, maybe even feel intense, I will find the fuck jokes funnier. If you make a tame fuck joke, then a really fucked up fuck joke, I will find your fucking fuck jokes fucking funny. But look at all the fucking fucks I've fucking written in a fucking fucked up fuck fest of fucks and you can see why it's hard to last 10 minutes (that's what she said).

FUCK.

Essentially my entire critique is:
[Image: I27Z42s.gif]
I'm sorry, Yaro. I love you.

But go back and look at Steve's 420 announcer line. That plays so well because it's so far away from the rest of the humour in your episode. And again, your fuck jokes hit at some points, but I think it's in your interests to find a new angle. Ball's in your court.

Summary
Today we learned that I, unlike a lot of teachers, allow tons of swearing in the classroom. I'll try to keep this summary clean to make up for my previous vulgarity. Yaro Shien's Danmachi Abridged Parody is a fun sexual romp making fun of a heavily sexualized show. While it does not do a very good job in dramatizing its humour, it still accomplishes the goal of entertaining its audience - albeit, with very low-brow humour. All in all, I judge Yaro's parody as SWIFFER REQUIRED. Despite covering 3 or so episodes, this dude can't abide with the 9+ minute run time to call it "COOLBEANS". However, despite my lambasting of this parody, I think a few minor adjustments and writing choices could vastly improve this parody to the point of "HALL OF VERY GOOD". I also award it the Golden Microphone for "Best Announcer Announcement in 2015". Seriously, I loved that part.

Sorry to be so tough love, Yaro. I hope you take this critique to Premiere or Vegas and not to heart.

Next I'll be reviewing Copley's Neon Genesis Evangelion...

Wait...

Gurren Lagaan?

...Gundam???

FUCKING...

GIANT ROBOT SHOW. I'LL BE REVIEWING COPLEY'S INTELLECTUAL GIANT ROBOT SHOW.

FUCK YOU.

Heart ~ I'LL PLAY MYSELF OUT ~ Heart
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11-12-2015, 02:35 AM
Post: #31
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
Eagles and 8 Burgers, I give you Dubs of $cooby Doo



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11-12-2015, 02:47 AM
Post: #32
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
Thank you Eagle. I loved it Sen-Pie

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11-22-2015, 05:13 PM
Post: #33
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
(11-10-2015 01:49 PM)Copley Wrote:  I GET FIRST DIBS. Don't you try to skirt around telling me like it is you sexy bastard.


DIBS DON'T MATTER IN THIS: A SASSY NATION CLASSROOM

MVJ
This was easy. The McDonald's joke was by far the best joke of the episode. I think I commented on that a while ago in your database thread. But let's delve deeper into why this joke works so well. There are 3 expectations that are broken in the joke. First, it's in the middle of the chase scene and the driver wants to go to McDonalds. Second, there's the "it's not built yet!" response, which is a "yes AND" extension - YES there is a McDonalds AND it isn't built yet. Finally, there's the visual gag the puts a bow on it with the COMING SOON sign which no-one is expecting. In my opinion, this is a Hall of Fame worthy joke and displays the highest quality of writing - specifically from a technical standpoint - in your comedy.

Style
I think a lot of improvement in future installments will come from solidifying your style. The opening slideshow provided a very cool angle on a show that's been abridged like crazy and made this parody unique. However, 30 seconds in - it's gone. That type of comedy never really comes back. And the really unfortunate component is that it gave you characterizations for Lelouch and Suzaku that just didn't show up in the episode, but more on that later.

I don't know if I have a suggestion for style. I'd really like to see you do your own thing and I think a lot of the issues I have with this parody arise from the fact I don't think you know what style you're going for. It's kind of a hodge-podge of various comedic styles. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think you need to find some means of harmonizing them either by limiting them to specific characters or orchestrating the episode in a way where it makes sense. BoJack Horseman and 30 Rock are both good examples of how to structure a variety of satirical humour effectively. I'd advise watching both of them if you haven't already.

Flow
There were a lot of pacing issues in this episode, though none really wrecked the parody. What I mean is that some areas could have been cut, and you wouldn't have lost anything - but at the same time, the parts you kept didn't kill the episode. They just felt...clunky. Look at the fight sequence for instance. There isn't really anything keeping it there. It's just a fight sequence. Let your material make a case for it being there. If it can't, cut it. I have to say, I feel that this parody could have easily been around the 6 minute mark and not lost much. In fact, I think it may have been substantially better.

Another issue that I had with flow translates back to the structural issues I mentioned before. The opening minute and a half going from slideshow to 69 News (LOL FUCKIN' LOL) were great because they presented such a unique angle, which is then followed up with your standard abridged series. There's nothing wrong with this, but I think you need to keep those external elements consistent, or at least use them as callbacks. You could have easily thrown in a joke about someone reporting on the destroyed McDonalds etc. etc. It's just unfortunate that you opened your parody up to so many possibilities in the first bit only to essentially ditch all of those efforts. And based on your MVJ, you are more than capable of executing something that complex.

Then there was the issue of characterization. I didn't really get a vibe from any of the characters involved in the parody. They were all very vanilla. A lot of disgruntled people and a lot of somewhat dumb people. That's not memorable at all. It just feels like the whole parody is settling for mediocrity, which is bullshit considering how funny it can be when it wants. I'd push you to use your characters to your benefit in order to unite the types of comedy you're going for. If you're familiar with Red vs. Blue, think of how well Church plays off of Caboose. Hell, how Chandler plays off of Joey. That's the direction I think you need to push your writing in order to make it work. And if you don't establish your characters more firmly moving forward, it may wind up biting you in the ass.

Summary
Copley/House at Party's "Code Geass: Abridging the Rebellion" is a fresh take on a very overdone series. While it's great that the team has found a unique way of approaching the show, it would benefit by pushing the envelope further. Some trimming may be required in future episodes, but there isn't a lot that isn't watchable - though some chunks may be forgettable. For these reasons, I give this parody a rating of TEPID BEANS - Coolbeans that could be cooler. I also give it the Ronald McDonald Memorial Trophy for Excellence in Golden Arch Destruction. I still think there's a lot of potential for this group, and I'm excited to see their next installMENT! I mean, installABRIDGEDREBELLIONFUCKMESORRY.

Next time I...holy shit...Scooby Doo????
...
...looks like next time, I meddle with some kids.


...wait, that came out wrong.

Heart ~ I'LL PLAY MYSELF OUT ~ Heart
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11-22-2015, 10:29 PM
Post: #34
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
OOH OOH OOH DO ME DO ME




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11-22-2015, 11:08 PM (This post was last modified: 11-22-2015 11:34 PM by Jacob AngelStar.)
Post: #35
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
I got 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iwGZ1cb...kgzGwv5kL7

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pN-Pa51...e=youtu.be

AngelThere's No Bigger Star Then An AngelStar.
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11-22-2015, 11:14 PM
Post: #36
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
You have to remove the "s" from "https://" for the videos to embed properly.

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12-05-2015, 05:05 PM (This post was last modified: 01-01-2016 08:48 PM by LeRoygendary.)
Post: #37
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER

Hajime No Ippo: the Abridging!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL...YMOBMP2jZM
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12-09-2015, 09:34 AM
Post: #38
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
S... Senpai...

We were going to break this into 6 10-ep chunks, so don't feel like you gotta watch the whole thing. Unless it's so damn entertaining that you HAVE TO



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12-30-2015, 03:23 PM
Post: #39
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER

You were in this one, but I still fully expect a new asshole by the end of your review.

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01-09-2016, 12:11 PM
Post: #40
RE: GREAT TEACHER EAGLE8BURGER
Okay eagle, I want you to rip my limbs out from their limb places and use them on some cold winter nights to keep you warm. Be as gruesome as possible, please and thank you!




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