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Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
07-06-2012, 02:24 AM
Post: #1
Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I am extremely average as an abridger. If you were to compile every abridger in a database and do weird statistical thingies I would probably be right above the fiftieth percentile. I can't analyze writing and jokes as well as Inna, I can't tell you how to craft a presentation as well as Ezekieru, I'm too piss poor at voice acting to criticize that as effectively as ThroneOfCipher, and I'm not as naturally funny as Fourteen.

I'm concerned, however, that a most of the people using these critique threads aren't benefiting from these peoples. This isn't through any fault of theirs, as these four a very straightforward in their style. It's because most of you simply don't know what to do with with the criticism you're given. That's what this thread is for. I want to see those of you who suck, or are below par, and try to make you adequate, so that you can then visit those guys mentioned above and actually become good. I'm not saying that I'll be the perfect coach or whatever, but I think I can make a few of the more disgusting turds around here into slightly more presentable turds.

Then it should go without saying that this thread is only for people who want to improve. If you're happy just making videos and throwing them up, then by all means do so, I don't want to ruin your fun. This is a hobby, and it's supposed to be fun first and foremost. Some of us have fun just by being a part of something and some of us have fun by challenging ourselves to do better. Different strokes and all that. For those of you in the first group, both Xcaliborg and Skoringo are nice people and will make you feel good even while saying you suck. And Airrest's thread is great for people who want to be ignored.

But I'm not gonna kiss your boo-boo's; I'm gonna tear your shit apart. So step on in if you want to be better.

tl;dr: Most of you< Me < Inna, Eze, ToC, 14. I want to make it Me < Most of you < Inna, Eze, ToC, 14. And Jordan, Skoringo and Airrest are possibly in there somewhere, I dunno.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-06-2012, 09:28 AM (This post was last modified: 07-06-2012 09:28 AM by concrete Building.)
Post: #2
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I know what you said over skype, and it's the first and foremost thing we're working on. Just wondering what the more in-depth review is

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07-06-2012, 10:15 AM (This post was last modified: 07-06-2012 12:14 PM by TheHawk.)
Post: #3
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Welp, here's my latest piece of shit. You've seen some of my other craps I taken in the abridged community, let me know how this one sizes up. I'm just joking, in all sincerity, I am interested in your opinion.



Here is the script. I did deviate from it a little bit due to various reasons
[spoiler]

Scene 1

(Ganta is looking at a video on his phone. It

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07-06-2012, 11:26 AM
Post: #4
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Probably should've asked this in the OP, but would either of you mind posting the scripts to these particular episodes in a spoiler for me? I think it'll help me make my points a bit easier.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-06-2012, 12:11 PM
Post: #5
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
No problem. I'll add it to the original post

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07-06-2012, 12:58 PM
Post: #6
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Can't do, right now.. Nobody on the team seems to have it. I'll put it in if it's found somewhere on someone's computer.
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07-06-2012, 10:47 PM
Post: #7
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I'll start with Hawk then to give you some time to find it or whatever the case may be.

First, Hawk, separate from the video I have one concern with you. Abridging in a Deadman Wonderland is your fourth series that you've started. So far you've done Space Ghost, Macross, and that Now and Then parody you made for the contest that you said you were continuing. I'm worried that you may be going a bit quickly so early and that you'll eventually spread yourself thin or burn out. I'm not saying to drop any of them, but keep in mind that while you may have a lot of free time now, you may not in the future, and then it'll catch up to you.

Scripting:

[spoiler]Alright, your script. It is a script. Words written on digital "paper" for preservation. So far so good. Your formatting is also good. Spelling, grammar, added voice direction, proper stage direction, etc. All of these things seem very basic, but they tend to be overlooked fairly often and this can be fatal in projects that require additional voice actors. Here's a problem though: A lot of direction can be given in something as simple as punctuation and emphasis. Reading this:

[spoiler]Makina: (sensuously) Oh, you feel good under there. Now clean my boots
Yo: I can

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-07-2012, 12:12 AM
Post: #8
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Awesome critique, Truth. I'd post one of mine, but I'm more interested to see what you have to say about other peoples' work. Although Quadgun 6 will go in here, for sure. Hopefully you're not backed up with pending critiques by then. c:

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07-07-2012, 12:22 AM (This post was last modified: 07-07-2012 01:01 AM by TheHawk.)
Post: #9
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Wow, you went into detail on this. First off, thanks for giving me such an in depth analysis of my show. I appreciate it. Now I will try to address as many of these as possible. This is an awesome review. Very well done

I'm going to put my long reply in Spoiler tags to save space

Spoiler(Show)

[quote='Truthordeal' pid='12405' dateline='1341632860']
I'll start with Hawk then to give you some time to find it or whatever the case may be.

First, Hawk, separate from the video I have one concern with you. Abridging in a Deadman Wonderland is your fourth series that you've started. So far you've done Space Ghost, Macross, and that Now and Then parody you made for the contest that you said you were continuing. I'm worried that you may be going a bit quickly so early and that you'll eventually spread yourself thin or burn out. I'm not saying to drop any of them, but keep in mind that while you may have a lot of free time now, you may not in the future, and then it'll catch up to you.
[/quote]

That is a legitimate concern, and I appreciate you expressing it. First though, I decided to postpone the Now and Then Here and There parody until a later date. This is due to the dark content of the series. I want to wait until I am sure that I can properly handle the series and give it a deserving parody.

I had intended to do Deadman months ago, but I could never gain a cast who showed interest in it. Fortunately I was able to gain a cast and decided to work on this show.

I am actually doing Macross with a partner, so only the editing and direction fall solely on me, whereas we both share the script writing. Though it is the most hectic to work with so far.

Space Ghost is just fun. It is something that I am able to do between other shows. I have the scripts for many episodes ready to go, or at least outlines for several of them. And since I voice most of the characters, it is something I can basically do at anytime while I wait on other people's voices for other shows.


[quote='Truthordeal' pid='12405' dateline='1341632860']

Scripting:
[/quote]

I think part of the fault of this script was that I went through too many drafts. I think I did around 6 or 7 drafts and changed a great deal in each of them. I did this in a process for a few months. At least since early April. That may be why it had so much content that needed cutting. It may also be why I cut some of what I did in editing.

I know I should have given more detail on some of them, such as emphasizing certain words, but I tried to address those problems when I was going over the script with the voice actors. It may be better for me to add those notations in the future though.


[quote='Truthordeal' pid='12405' dateline='1341632860']


[spoiler]Red Man: hehehe I just gave you head.
Ganta: (Startled but weakly) Ah! That joke was in terrible taste!

Ganta's line here was almost a verbatim quote from TeamFourStar's episode 10. More importantly, it added nothing and you could have done so much more with that space.
[/quote]

I dropped the ball on this episode. Almost everyone has pointed out to me that I am basically ripping off Takahata's Nappa voice with Red Man, I didn't even notice this one yet. I haven't even seen that episode in at least over a year. I don't know where this came from.

Though the "That was in terrible taste" line in this case came from something that a professor of mine said and I agreed with. I think he said something along the lines of: If you have a joke that you think is bad or is in bad tastes, point it out.


[quote='Truthordeal' pid='12405' dateline='1341632860']

Overall though, the script was ok as far as jokes were concerned. You have a major strength in being able to create characters and a consistent plot. My entire exposure to Deadman Wonderland is Toonami, and that's mostly just having it on in the background while I do things on the Internet. I never felt lost, however, and this was a parody of the source material.

So my main advice as far as this is concerned is work on dialog, and get someone to proofread your stuff and see if it makes sense in their head.[/quote]

I'm glad you liked how I tried to keep the plot intact. I enjoy series that actually keep a semblance of the plot intact to those that are little more than a series of disjointed jokes that utilize the animation of the source material. I like a little method to the madness.

I did have a few people proofread this one, but I guess they may have been too nice to say "this sucks!" or "That needs to be changed to be funnier."


[quote='Truthordeal' pid='12405' dateline='1341632860']

Voice Work:

Spoiler(Show)
Your voice acting was problematic. Makina's voice actor especially had some issues. Most of her deliveries felt way off the mark, and at least one made me chuckle because it was so underwhelming. SpiritKitten has a reputation for being reliably good at this voice acting thing, which makes me think that there was a miscommunication in the direction. Did you sit down and direct SpiritKitten for her role? That's generally a good idea, unless it's a bit part that doesn't really matter or it's someone that knows the character or your style of humor well enough that it isn't warranted. Neither of these seem to be the case though. Point is, Makina sounded off, and you need to do better at directing. It may be intimidating to get into, but you have to get used to saying the word "again."
[/quote]

I'm taking the blame for this one. I am still an inexperienced director. I did go over lines with each member of the cast, as well as had a group reading of the script. I think I need to be more clear in my expectations of what I need from a character. I am going to try and be more thorough in the future.


[quote='Truthordeal' pid='12405' dateline='1341632860']
[spoiler]
Some others have gotten onto your case about Ganta feeling like you were holding back. I have to agree. This line:

[spoiler]Ganta: (angry) You

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07-07-2012, 11:37 PM
Post: #10
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
CB, since you don't have a script and I hate to leave you hanging, I'm gonna write my comments as I watch the video the full time.

Live Comments:

Spoiler(Show)

0:08--The background stuff sounds off. Like, it sounds like a jungle or a forest, when you're looking for a populated street.
0:14--This transition could've been done more quickly. Every second counts, man.
0:18--What was the joke supposed to be here? Did they not do well on their mission? Did they not have one? Do either of those things really contribute? This just missed the mark. Furthermore, unless you're using WMM, there is no reason why the ambiance ended when you did the cricket sound.
0:27--I'm hoping this leads to something.
~0:40--The pacing here is sluggish.
1:10--The music got way too loud here.
1:19--So the bit earlier leads into a Lion King reference. I'm not entirely displeased, but I'll bet that most people would be.
1:37--Your opening could be a bit more energetic.
1:59--That Jiraya face had a huge amount of potential...and you wasted it. Also the dialog up to this point seems overly expositional and fandubbish.
2:24--That is clearly a still frame. Intrusively clearly a still frame.
2:27--And Naruto's suddenly up now. That's pretty poor scene consistency.
2:32--This scene so far feels horribly dead. There are very few sound effects besides the fucking birds in the background.
2:43--This scene had basically two jokes. The punch line to both of them was Sakura punching Naruto. Neither of them were really executed well.
2:55--That is a horrible thinking echo.
3:07-3:09--The volume here was unlevelled to the point I had to turn my volume down really quickly.
3:17--I'll admit, I thought the "gay ass voice" thing was gonna be continually stupid, but I'm glad that it at least had some kind of pay off.
3:50--Naruto needs to enunciate more. For that matter, so does Jiraya. Also can you really tell me you think that his lines are level with the rest or don't sound like there's a bunch of static?
4:04-4:15--This sequence should have been snappier. It wasn't great to begin with, but the way it was executed just killed any momentum it did have.
4:36--Nit picking here, but you do realize that "wireless" Internet still mostly involves using broadband cable lines, right? The only thing that makes it wireless is the router it's attached too.
4:40-5:05--You somehow went from the Sand Village's economy to the Akatsuki, no transition or anything, and then Gaara said something about a sandwich to keep it from being a straight exposition.
5:25-5:30--If that didn't serve as a transition, I would've called it pointless. It still could've been better. And by "better" I mean "not redundant and actually funny."
5:34--Holy hell, the whisper screams.
5:46--That was a non-sequitur of the worst kind. And all to shoe-in the damned "Believe it!" joke that Masako and Vegeta have done over a million times already.
5:49--..."And let's start killing the crap out of each other." Was that a line meant to be taken seriously, or is Kakashi supposed to be the dumb guy in this series?
5:51-5:56--The fuck was the point of that sequence if you had an entire other scene after it?

Ok, now for the main thing.

Scripting:

Spoiler(Show)

At best, your writing was mediocre and bland. At it's worst, it was exactly what NTAS was without Masako's editing skill and vocal talent. A lot of stuff felt pointless and more than once the entire punchline of a joke was "lol boobs." I love boobs as much as the next heterosexual male, but they're not funny enough to serve as their own joke. They're not even jokes, really. No wait, let me rephrase that. What you did with boobs is essentially every ecchi anime's sense of humor. And I hate it.

There were two scenes that stood out as having potential: Kakashi and Jiraya, and Sasori and Deidara. The first was killed by your pacing(which I'll get to later); the second was actually alright until you started playing music really loudly. This shows me that you can write dialog between a straight guy and a dummy. That's good, as that's pretty fundamental. But you have a hard time writing for scenes where stuff actually happens. If you want to have any sort of progression in your series, without relying on overly expositional dialog, then you need to work on this. Also, don't use overly expositional dialog. You're trying to explain things too much, and you're not really doing a good job of that, either.

Writing is something I can't give you a sure-fire way to improve. Comedy is still subjective and I can't just say "do it this way" and have you make something original. But what you are going for now will not be sustainable. Find yourself a target audience, even if it's just you and your friends, and start writing for that group. Avoid having more than one character explaining things in any given scene for more than one line. Show, don't tell. And let's be honest here, Naruto isn't exactly the most complicated show out there, it doesn't really take a lot of explaining. Saying the word boobs or other sex-related words is not a joke in and of itself. If you want an example of good "sex humor," go watch Twoogiz's stuff. And I'll say the same thing to you that I did to Hawk: find someone you think is funny, and study their stuff. Try to understand why you think it's funny and utilize that as your own sense of humor. Finally, don't write jokes that take more than 15 seconds to pull off. You can't do those effecitvely quite yet.

Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)
Naruto needs to enunciate, so does Jiraya. Naruto's VA has a lisp, which I know from experience makes things difficult. But that's something he's gonna have to overcome as the main character voice. JIraya just sounds like his voice hurts his actor, which gets in the way of understanding him.

Whisper screaming is not cool, and if you ever get someone that does it again, have them redo it. Work on making your voice actors sound good as well, since a lot of Naruto's lines came out more staticky and louder than others. Keep practicing with this and I think you'll get it.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)
Your. Pacing. Is. Atrocious. It is so slow, with so many dead spaces, that it sucks all of the air out of any writing you have. If it doesn't sound like natural dialog while you're editing, then fix it so it does. It being off-rhythm is something an audience will know every time. Volume levelling is also important, and you need to work on making things sound almost the same in terms of loudness. Furthermore, bgm, ambiance, etc. was way too loud and intrusive. Working either of these things in can provide an immersive atmosphere in a video, whereas with you it only distracts the viewer. You had some really well mixed moments, and then you had some very dull, "dead" scenes. Be more consistent.

Now for the visual aspect. Your lip flaps are good for the most part, though there were a number of times where it was very obvious that you were using custom-made lipflaps. There were also a number of times where the shot you used did not fit what the character was saying. 2:54 is a great example of this. Tsunade's supposed to look worried, but still has the same grin as the other times. Either she's using botox(and that would make for a decent joke, actually) or it's bad editing, and I'm inclined towards the latter. You used still frames a bit and it was very obvious when you did do it, as all animation beforehand stopped. Using stills makes your video look like a slideshow rather than a video. Your scene consistency was also terrible at times. Try to keep in mind where all characters are in a given scene, what position they're in, and keep it consistent. The viewers and especially those of us that edit, will notice it every time.
Now that you're aware that you have these problems, hopefully you can avoid them the next time you edit an episode.

Now I doubt you'll be able to use this advice in time for your next episode, but by episode four I want to see some improvements. You're weak in every area, but your editing is the worst, because even those few parts where I liked the scripting, the editing took away any chance it had at working. At the same time, without a good script to begin with, everything else is just pointless. So you really need to improve on two general things simultaneously.

Pacing and audio should come first, since you can work on that with your next episode. Episode four, you really need to bring some game with your writing. After that, work on the entire product, smooth everything out, and you might have something presentable. But you have a lot of work ahead of you, because as of right now, I wouldn't watch this series again if I wasn't critiquing it.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-08-2012, 10:33 PM (This post was last modified: 07-08-2012 10:53 PM by LightningCrabz.)
Post: #11
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Saw this thread over vacation and I really like the idea of something like this that's a little more thorough. I've heard a lot of similar things for my team's most recent video in some other people's critiques, but if you've got something fresh you could bring, I'd love to hear it. To be honest, I'd prefer to post the next episode I'm making right now instead, because I feel like I've done a lot of things way better, but its at least a month away still.

Also I should probably mention the fact that I record most of my VA's in person, so I give them direction for the lines there. And with VA's I work with over the internet, I send them each a special script copy with basic direction next to most of their lines.





Then here's the script too.

[spoiler]
[SCENE 1- TEAM MEETING]
[EVERYONE BUT ARAMAKI AND THE MAJOR IS THERE]

Togusa: It's a stupid idea...

Batou: No, it's a genius idea! You're just not thinking about it seriously. We have a government backing for a giant budget, and everyone on the team is a cyborg! We could totally install a popcorn maker inside someone!

Togusa: Batou, everyone on this team is a valuable member. A popcorn maker would--

Batou: Valuable?? I think most of us are pretty useful, but not everyone. Hell just look at Boma! He has what, like 1 line every 2 episodes? Yet, he gets just as much screen time as anyone else. He's useless! And we'd be much better off installing a popcorn maker inside his chest. Just think about it! Instead of him wasting space in every episode, he could be cooking a tasty buttery snack for me to enjoy.

Boma: But I don't wanna be a pop corn machine... :'(

Batou: Hell, he'd be twice as useful! He could feed a damn african village!

Togusa: Popcorn?.......for starving African children?...

Batou: Hell Yeah! Everyone loves popcorn!

[Major and Aramaki enter.]

Batou: Oh there you guys are.

Aramaki: So as you all know, Major recently got a tune-up for her prosthetic body. She's been outfitted with a higher bitching capacity, 10 ebooks on feminism and male anatomy, and high heels that can pierce a tank.

Batou: Please God, tell me there's a plus side to this upgrade...

Aramaki: The plus side is that Major got a new voice installed.

Batou: New voice? Wow, does it sound any good?

Aramaki: It sounds twice as good.

Major: And the best part is I finally sound like a damn woman now.

All Characters (except Major): WOAH!

Togusa: Umm, while we're on the subject of voice swaps, could we do something about the tatchikomas' voices?

Batou: Hell NO!! The tatchikomas voices are absolutely beautiful! Every one of them sounds like an angel dammit! An angel!
[CUT TO TATCHIKOMAS RIDING ON A ROLLERCOASTER]

[OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE!]


[SCENE 2- CONFERENCE ROOM]

Aramaki: Alright team, now we have to get down to the matter at hand. As you all know, yesterday at the news conference, the laughing man announced his return to crime after a 6 year hiatus.

Togusa: I forget, what did he do that was so bad?

Aramaki: 6 years ago, he held a big CEO hostage on camera with a gun, then hacked EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING in a mile radius and then GOT the HELL out of there! Everyone's eyes got hacked to see that logo instead of his actual face, so nobody knows what he really looks like. Then after that, he blackmailed a ton of companies, and hacked into their mainframes with--

Batou: With the floppy drives...and the cyber brains.....and the jiggawatts.

Aramaki: Shut up, Batou!

Batou: What?! I'm just saying, all the technobable we do is kind of confusing.

Aramaki: True, but thats not the point right now. The point is that everything that you saw yesterday, with the press conference, and that guy who got hacked and his body being taken over and everything. All of it was FFFFAKE!

All Characters: WOAH!

Batou: But we saw it happen on TV!! That means it HAS to be real!!

Major: Chief, that is kind of a big accusation. Do you have any evidence?

Aramaki: mhmm. Look on the screen.

[MAIN SCREEN TURN ON]

Aramaki: This is Nanao Ai, the police's prime suspect in the Laughing Man case. He was a big programmer at the Serano company from last episode.

Major: This guy is their first choice for Laughing Man? He just looks like a regular desk worker...

Aramaki: Yes, this guy is pretty normal. No scars or felonies or anything. But he got fired from his job after a year working there, and they think that's given him a grudge against the company. And SUDDENLY the police have pulled up a ton of circumstantial evidence that points to him as the laughing man.

Batou: So, this guy has a pretty clean record, but just because he got fired and used to be a programmer makes him the prime suspect in a giant billion dollar case? Doesn't anyone else think this is just slightly retarded?!? Even Togusa is smarter than that!

Togusa: Hey!!

Aramaki: You're definitely starting to get the picture. If this guy is so obviously not the laughing man, then why is police HQ so focused on pinning the blame on him? Remember the whole police conspiracy with the interceptors from last episode?

Batou: Heh, I didn't understand any of it.

Aramaki: That's fine, no one did. Basically, the police are up to something suspicious. You and Togusa are going to stalk Nanao 24/7 to see if anything happens.

Batou: YAY! I love invading people's privacy!!

Ishikawa: What about us?

Aramaki: Pazu and Ishikawa will be investigating possible leads. The rest of you will go with the Major to keep an eye on Daido.



[SCENE 3

S10's Ghost in the Shell Abridged
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07-09-2012, 02:04 PM
Post: #12
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I remember watching the first minute or so of this episode a few months ago, and then stopping because I had something to do. Ever since, I've been trying to remind myself to go back and actually watch it but never could quite get that far. So, I'm glad you posted here. I dunno what the other reviews have said, so any redundancy is unintentional.

Scripting:

Spoiler(Show)

Since Ghost in the Shell is a very plot-driven show, some exposition is probably unavoidable in the style you're using. Still, there is a limit and cutting back would definitely improve your script. That being said, keep with the style your using. I like it a lot, and it's perfect for a parody on Ghost in the Shell. One thing that could use a definite improvement though is concision. Make your lines less wordy, try to excise any unnecessary ones.

Most of your jokes were hits, but none really stood out and some I couldn't really tell if it was your writing or something from the original, e.g., "I'm from public safety, don't tell me what to do!" You know how to write dialog, which is good, you can write scenes that aren't "straightman-idiot," which is great, and you're able to write to show progression as well as scenes where nothing happens, and that is phenomenal.

Overall, though, your scripting is definitely strong and with a few minor tweaks it could be something really great.

Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

Most of your voice actors are great. The new Major is a major (shut up) improvement. The voices all sound like they're coming from the character and the acting is good. There are a couple of lines where the emotion could have been better, though. I didn't feel like they "brought it" enough. MonkeyCrabz sounds like his mic is a bit lesser quality, which isn't exactly something you can help, I know.

One main thing I noticed quality-wise that you can do something about is pops. Aramaki's lines especially had very definite pops whenever he uttered a "p" sound, which he did a lot(he says "police" quite a few times). Just tell him to stay a bit further back from his mic and that should fix that.


Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

Your editing is good. Lipflaps, flow, scene consistency, pacing, yadda yadda. No improvement needed there. The only thing visually that caught my eye was this weird thing your footage does whenever an action frame is being played. It's like bars fading in and out across the scene. I don't know if that's supposed to be there or if it's an error in the rendering. I don't know what it is, but that's something you should ask other editors about; i.e., go ask Eze.

Something that could use a bit of improvement is your audio mixing. Your pacing is great like I said so there's very little dead space but some sound effects and BGM could really enhance most of your scenes. When Bato kicked in the door, there should have been something there, otherwise it just sounds empty. Your dialog is good, but if you have some sort of ambiance in the background, as the original OST has, then it'll make your presentation that much better.


That's all I have for you now. I think what you have currently is very good and hopefully you'll only get better.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-09-2012, 05:52 PM (This post was last modified: 07-09-2012 10:07 PM by LightningCrabz.)
Post: #13
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Spoiler: Space Savin' Spoiler!(Show)
(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  One thing that could use a definite improvement though is concision. Make your lines less wordy, try to excise any unnecessary ones.

Most of your jokes were hits, but none really stood out and some I couldn't really tell if it was your writing or something from the original, e.g., "I'm from public safety, don't tell me what to do!"

I've always felt that's my two biggest flaws, actually. I think I'm gradually getting better at keeping my wordiness at bay. Hopefully this next episode won't feel as slow in the middle. With jokes, I'm not too great at coming up with zingers. Usually the decent regular jokes are what I do best. I rely a lot on the rest of the guys to give me the zingers, but I think I'm starting to get better with my own ones.

(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  The new Major is a major (shut up) improvement.

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(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  MonkeyCrabz sounds like his mic is a bit lesser quality, which isn't exactly something you can help, I know.

You'd be surprised, actually. I seem to have bitched him into upgrading, recently. Anyways, that should hopefully be fixed for the next episode.

(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  Aramaki's lines especially had very definite pops whenever he uttered a "p" sound, which he did a lot(he says "police" quite a few times). Just tell him to stay a bit further back from his mic and that should fix that.

Right you are, there. I seem to forget sometimes that he's got a lot more power in his voice than the rest of us, and if I don't position the pop filter differently for him, his pops will go right through it.

(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  The only thing visually that caught my eye was this weird thing your footage does whenever an action frame is being played. It's like bars fading in and out across the scene. I don't know if that's supposed to be there or if it's an error in the rendering. I don't know what it is, but that's something you should ask other editors about.

That blur has been the bane of my existence since I started doing this. But actually, Oozi gave me a promising lead on how to fix that a while back. Its caused by the way I'm ripping the footage plus GitS's use of 3D animation or something. Either way, I'm checking out the solutions for that right now.

(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  Something that could use a bit of improvement is your audio mixing. Your pacing is great like I said so there's very little dead space but some sound effects and BGM could really enhance most of your scenes. When Bato kicked in the door, there should have been something there, otherwise it just sounds empty. Your dialog is good, but if you have some sort of ambiance in the background, as the original OST has, then it'll make your presentation that much better.

I won't lie, that was entirely me getting lazy. The episode was taking forever and I just wanted to get it out the door already, so I half-assed the SFX and BGM (which I usually save for last). It's not that I don't posses a library of either of those, but that I rushed through it without thinking too much. (I have just about every scrap of BGM from both seasons of the show, tbh). In all honesty, I didn't even realize the lack of SFX in the last scene until someone on the site critiqued the episode a few weeks later.

But I will try to give it more attention next time.

(07-09-2012 02:04 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  I think what you have currently is very good and hopefully you'll only get better.

Seriously, thanks a lot man.

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07-09-2012, 06:46 PM
Post: #14
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I deinterlaced and uncompressed the first episode from GITS with ripped DVD's using AVISynth and VirtualDub, with pretty much the same script I use for Trigun. And there was no wavy blur during any action clips. Now if only I could explain why that worked...

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07-09-2012, 09:05 PM
Post: #15
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
You know what's being done, and I've said what I'm working on. Those are currently underway.
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07-28-2012, 11:06 AM (This post was last modified: 07-28-2012 11:09 AM by TwooGiz.)
Post: #16
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I was going to wait until I posted a new video but I can't wait. I'd like to hear your thoughts Truth. I'll be sure to post again when Fukuman 2 comes out in early August.



[spoiler='Script']FUKUMAN

Scene 1 - Classroom
Random Dude-

(02-18-2012 12:30 PM)Airrest Wrote:  There's a certain charm to it that I don't think most people, even on this forum, are going to get or like.
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07-29-2012, 12:27 PM (This post was last modified: 07-29-2012 12:28 PM by Truthordeal.)
Post: #17
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
This is easily the toughest time I've had writing a critique so far. Thomas, your and Slayer's style is so off the wall and unordinary that I had to apply a whole 'nother mindset to actually evaluate it. This is a good thing, though, and don't change that for anyone.

Script:

Spoiler(Show)
Reading the script for this was actually very enlightening. I had no idea that the pause before Takagi says "what" was meant to be there; I figured it was glitch in the editing. It also seems like Fourteen improvised the whole "take my card" bit. I've seen this about a million times before, but this made me understand a lot of it. I was never able to make out Mashiro's "She'll come around" line.

But your script is surprisingly coherent from when I first remember seeing it. There's actually stuff happening and progressing forward. That was weird, but I like it. When I first started watching Bakuman, I occasionally checked back on Fukuman since I'd understand how everything was supposed to work and it's very close to the original. People could watch this video and get the general premise of Bakuman and understand how it works. Personal preference: That's the best way to make a parody.

I think you and Slayer are the only two people who will ever make me laugh with vulgarities, and I have no idea why. Like what Airrest said back when this first came out, it has a certain charm that many people are not gonna understand or like and I'm one of the people that do, which makes it very hard to do a decent critique of the scripting style. Either way, to this day I keep slipping up and saying "manga cocksucker."

If there's one thing I didn't like about the script, its that there is a lot of stuff that just seems unnecessary. The first line, for instance...why was that there? The grunting and moaning was kinda funny at first, and I realize it adds to the progression, but it goes on for way too long.

Ultimately, I'd end up missing a lot of the humor if I just read the script, so I'll get to the VA and editing now.

Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

The voice acting made this video in a lot of spots. Takagi and Mashiro shouting "nervous boners" was probably the best single delivery I've heard in a while. You do the "crazy, loud" style very well without it being completely stupid or annoying. There was no awkward stressing of the last syllable, which is often a pitfall. It all feels natural, whereas most people who try doing this come off as smarmy and artificial. Even the groaning and grunting that got grating was great. Very well done.

Your cameos were all well cast. I especially liked that you asked FalconFlyer to do a more feminine sounding voice rather than a falsetto. Harry's mom voice was well matched and I don't think you could've found a better voice for Hattori than Fourteen; Hattori looks kind of dopey and Tyler has a bit of a goofy voice.

Now that I see that quite a few lines were improvised or had more added to them, the cast you assembled and your takes on the characters really shone through in your voice acting.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)
Editing is by and large where you lost points. I said back when this first came out that I wasn't a big fan of the randomly interspersed music. It doesn't really seem to add much, either as a transition or comedically. At the very least you could have leveled the volume properly so that it didn't ruin people's ears during the sudden switches.

I mentioned in this post that I thought Takagi's "what" line was an editing glitch because of the pause, and that wasn't unfounded. The clip you chose for that part, along with the very awkward pause just looks off. There are a couple of other parts like that, such as the "she'll come around" line and the zoom-out right before Takagi mentions his nervous boner.

Lipflaps were alright for the most part. They were good enough that even when they were off a bit I didn't care. At the same time, what the hell was this:

http://yfrog.com/h28nnop

The fart joke near the end was kind of dumb. I put that here rather than in the scripting session because it seems like it was a last minute addition by the editor.


Sorry if this isn't up to standard I set with the other critiques, but like I said, it was very difficult and this thing is about six months old now. I look forward to Fukuman 2.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-29-2012, 01:39 PM (This post was last modified: 07-29-2012 01:42 PM by John Smith.)
Post: #18
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck

I would try and throw a "Talk dirty to me" joke somewhere in this post, but I'd rather have my hopes and dreams crushed. I got a hammer if you need one.

I also don't have a copy of the script, as mine was edited from what went into the final product. Sorry for the inconvenience.

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07-29-2012, 02:39 PM (This post was last modified: 07-29-2012 02:42 PM by TheHawk.)
Post: #19
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I know you already gave me an excellent, detailed review of my latest episode, Abridging in a Deadman Wonderland, but I was hoping that you could take a look at another one of mine.

I think you may have talked about it when it was released, but I want your opinion on Macross Episode 1 because I hope to begin editing it soon if all goes well.


The main complaint I heard was that it was too fandubish. ...and the joke that I was asked to leave at the end of the video...

Here is the script.

[spoiler]

Cast/ Characters
If any of you are interested in voicing some of the extras and no name characters in future episodes, let us know. For now, Hawk and Mffnman will be voicing them.

Mffnman964: Rick, Exodel, Mayor

"Your stuff is pretty good, but it's no TeamFourStar. Be more like them!"- My supportive roommate.

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07-29-2012, 04:21 PM
Post: #20
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
@John: Didn't you say you didn't write this one? Do you really want me to critique something you weren't a part of?

@Hawk: Everything I said about DW applies to Macross as well to some degree. I'll review the second episode when it comes out, but I think you've learned enough from the first one that you know what to fix this time around.

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"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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