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Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
07-29-2012, 04:45 PM (This post was last modified: 07-29-2012 04:45 PM by OoziHobo.)
Post: #21
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Alright, I want one of these awesome critiques for myself. So here you go... please.




As you about to see, all my "changes" happen in pencil to the printed version of the script. So this is more like my first draft/guideline.
[Spoiler]

QUADGUN Episode 5

The episode opens up with Meryl and Millie looking at the city through some binoculars.

MERYL
Inepril, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

MILLIE
I hear every citizen of this town is a criminal!

MERYL
I need a closer look
.

Transition to a scrolling shot of the town. Cuts to Vash at a diner.

[align=center]LITTLE BOY
Hey mom! Give me all your money or I

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07-29-2012, 04:46 PM (This post was last modified: 07-29-2012 04:47 PM by TwooGiz.)
Post: #22
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
@Truth: Pretty much all the editing hiccups and acho choos were me using a bad PC with bad editing software. Lips flaps were off because my laggy PC and my version of Vegas lacked a masking tool so cookie cutters have been my fortay for far too long. That's how I got this, http://yfrog.com/h28nnop and the face was just stupid enough to fit in I thought. Thanks for the critique Truth, I greatly enjoyed it.

(02-18-2012 12:30 PM)Airrest Wrote:  There's a certain charm to it that I don't think most people, even on this forum, are going to get or like.
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07-29-2012, 05:01 PM
Post: #23
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(07-29-2012 04:21 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  @John: Didn't you say you didn't write this one? Do you really want me to critique something you weren't a part of?

I didn't write episodes 1-3, 10, and the soon to be released OVA. To be honest the final product doesn't even follow the script I wrote, but that's more over due to bad internal communication between cast members and my editor hating me with a passion.

I still want to see what you think, because I thought it was one of out better episodes.

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07-29-2012, 05:34 PM
Post: #24
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
@Truth. KEwl keWl. I appreciate the help. Hopefully this episode will be better than my previous work

"Your stuff is pretty good, but it's no TeamFourStar. Be more like them!"- My supportive roommate.

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07-30-2012, 01:01 AM
Post: #25
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck




I told you that I would throw my abridged series in your critique thread and here it is. I'm genuinely interested to see what you think.

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07-31-2012, 12:02 AM (This post was last modified: 07-31-2012 12:04 AM by Truthordeal.)
Post: #26
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Alright, time for John Smith's High School of the Dead Parody.

First concern I have is that you, being the writer, apparently had a completely different product from what you scripted when this was all said and done, because the editor of this series hates you. I love group scripting, and having people in the group revise what you write is very helpful in getting rid of bad ideas and sharpening your punchlines, but the dynamic you described sounds incredibly disruptive. In that sort of group, how are you going to make a coherent script? And yes, coherency is something I value in a script, so don't pull up any of that "randumb iz funny" bull. You and your editor need to get whatever it is settled or put aside while you make this. You also need a better way to delegate and communicate with your group so that this doesn't keep happening. Even if it didn't hinder the production this time, it will eventually.

But now, scripting:

Spoiler(Show)

First and foremost, you get negative five thousand points on scripting because you're abridging High School of the Dead. Sorry, those are the rules. I created them and I can change them at any time, but I'm not going to.

That being said, the first half of this episode was probably the closest anyone will ever get to making a High School of the Dead parody that is amusing to me enough to forget that it's High School of the Dead. Everything up to the appearance of the teacher and the fusion scene was actually pretty good. My favorite scene would have to be with the German soldier and the sword.

But then the teacher showed up, and things went downhill fast. Whatever cleverness your script had suddenly turned to blandness at best and downright mediocrity at it's worst. Part of this was because the person playing the teacher could not act and had a terrible mic(more on that later), but most of it just wouldn't have been good regardless. The whole "Jimmy" thing was long and ended stupidly. Sex joke, sex joke, blah blah blah. You might say that that kind of humor is unavoidable with High School of the Dead, but that's honestly just more reason for me to hate parodies of it than an excuse.

The scene before that was the fusion scene. It sounded horrible due to whatever filter you used on it(more on that later) and whatever visual impact it was supposed to have was lost on me. It was a DBZ joke, more or less, and it just wasn't that great. It certainly wasn't worth building up to with the conversation earlier. The teacher thing ended with the German soldier sounding funny, then the episode ended with the generic "nothing bad could happen" line, followed by the missile. That would've been a cool ending actually, had it not been telegraphed.

Like I said earlier, the script felt like there were at least two people writing it. It ended up reading very schizophrenically and was not cohesive at all. Someone in you group needs to take charge of helping revise and keeping the script all in one piece.


Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

Getting Sydsnap for most of the lead females was a good choice. She has the perfect type of voice for this kind of parody. Most of the rest of the cast was good too. Again, I liked the German soldier. I guess the silly voice and silly character worked well together.

Two issues: The guy who voiced the teacher sucked at delivery, and sounded like he was recording in a tin can. The tin can thing I could forgive if the delivery was good, but both were off and most of his lines fell flat for that reason. The second issue is the filter for the little girl-dog thing. It was screechy and annoying. I don't know who came up with that, but they should be kicked in the shin for subjecting my ears to that. I'm not saying that fixing either of these things would have saved their respective scenes, but they would have at least been more tolerable.

If the teacher doesn't show up again, then you don't need to worry about that. If he does, direct the actor more. If the little girl-dog thing shows up again, use a different filter or do something that isn't that. Leave everyone else alone and you'll have a good enough cast behind you to have great voice acting.


Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

The fusion dance effect looked sloppy, which is a shame since it seems to have taken a good bit of effort. The fire effect really stood out among the animated footage, but I suppose there's not much you can do about that besides not overusing fire. The stabbing visual effect was ok.

Lipflaps were good for the most part, except for Saya's "shhhhh" line. Not sure how the editor let that slip by, because it just looks obviously wrong. Otherwise, they were fine. Pacing was fine.

Not much to complain about in the editing. Just bear in mind that you shouldn't rely too much on visual effects, especially ones that don't look right. Go use Eze's video editing thread to help get better at that.


Bear in mind, these critiques take about an hour or two to write, so I'll get to Christhenerd's Bleach thing at another time. I already told Oozi that I was gonna wait for Quadgun 6 before critiquing him again.

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07-31-2012, 02:04 AM (This post was last modified: 07-31-2012 02:17 AM by ssdrwh0.)
Post: #27
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I'll may as well post this one:

(That one has some sound quality reduction due to blip's uploading system)

Back up video in case this one gets removed:

Spoiler(Show)
https://vimeo.com/46597916 (due to some video problems, it may go a bit out of sync if oyu used this link.)

Scripting:
[spoiler]
Original Script (from me):
[spoiler](Camera shows Ouma Shuu walking to his hideout)

Shuu
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07-31-2012, 10:42 PM
Post: #28
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(07-31-2012 12:02 AM)Truthordeal Wrote:  Alright, time for John Smith's High School of the Dead Parody.

Spoiler(Show)
First concern I have is that you, being the writer, apparently had a completely different product from what you scripted when this was all said and done, because the editor of this series hates you. I love group scripting, and having people in the group revise what you write is very helpful in getting rid of bad ideas and sharpening your punchlines, but the dynamic you described sounds incredibly disruptive. In that sort of group, how are you going to make a coherent script? And yes, coherency is something I value in a script, so don't pull up any of that "randumb iz funny" bull. You and your editor need to get whatever it is settled or put aside while you make this. You also need a better way to delegate and communicate with your group so that this doesn't keep happening. Even if it didn't hinder the production this time, it will eventually.

But now, scripting:

[spoiler]

First and foremost, you get negative five thousand points on scripting because you're abridging High School of the Dead. Sorry, those are the rules. I created them and I can change them at any time, but I'm not going to.

That being said, the first half of this episode was probably the closest anyone will ever get to making a High School of the Dead parody that is amusing to me enough to forget that it's High School of the Dead. Everything up to the appearance of the teacher and the fusion scene was actually pretty good. My favorite scene would have to be with the German soldier and the sword.

But then the teacher showed up, and things went downhill fast. Whatever cleverness your script had suddenly turned to blandness at best and downright mediocrity at it's worst. Part of this was because the person playing the teacher could not act and had a terrible mic(more on that later), but most of it just wouldn't have been good regardless. The whole "Jimmy" thing was long and ended stupidly. Sex joke, sex joke, blah blah blah. You might say that that kind of humor is unavoidable with High School of the Dead, but that's honestly just more reason for me to hate parodies of it than an excuse.

The scene before that was the fusion scene. It sounded horrible due to whatever filter you used on it(more on that later) and whatever visual impact it was supposed to have was lost on me. It was a DBZ joke, more or less, and it just wasn't that great. It certainly wasn't worth building up to with the conversation earlier. The teacher thing ended with the German soldier sounding funny, then the episode ended with the generic "nothing bad could happen" line, followed by the missile. That would've been a cool ending actually, had it not been telegraphed.

Like I said earlier, the script felt like there were at least two people writing it. It ended up reading very schizophrenically and was not cohesive at all. Someone in you group needs to take charge of helping revise and keeping the script all in one piece.


Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

Getting Sydsnap for most of the lead females was a good choice. She has the perfect type of voice for this kind of parody. Most of the rest of the cast was good too. Again, I liked the German soldier. I guess the silly voice and silly character worked well together.

Two issues: The guy who voiced the teacher sucked at delivery, and sounded like he was recording in a tin can. The tin can thing I could forgive if the delivery was good, but both were off and most of his lines fell flat for that reason. The second issue is the filter for the little girl-dog thing. It was screechy and annoying. I don't know who came up with that, but they should be kicked in the shin for subjecting my ears to that. I'm not saying that fixing either of these things would have saved their respective scenes, but they would have at least been more tolerable.

If the teacher doesn't show up again, then you don't need to worry about that. If he does, direct the actor more. If the little girl-dog thing shows up again, use a different filter or do something that isn't that. Leave everyone else alone and you'll have a good enough cast behind you to have great voice acting.


Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

The fusion dance effect looked sloppy, which is a shame since it seems to have taken a good bit of effort. The fire effect really stood out among the animated footage, but I suppose there's not much you can do about that besides not overusing fire. The stabbing visual effect was ok.

Lipflaps were good for the most part, except for Saya's "shhhhh" line. Not sure how the editor let that slip by, because it just looks obviously wrong. Otherwise, they were fine. Pacing was fine.

Not much to complain about in the editing. Just bear in mind that you shouldn't rely too much on visual effects, especially ones that don't look right. Go use Eze's video editing thread to help get better at that.


Bear in mind, these critiques take about an hour or two to write, so I'll get to Christhenerd's Bleach thing at another time. I already told Oozi that I was gonna wait for Quadgun 6 before critiquing him again.
[/spoiler]

[Image: 2d8af66424c30aec4518b9e2d354ad66.png]

I'm just going to be thankful you didn't kick my teeth in and try to make sure things run more smoothly for the final episode. Thanks for taking the time to write all this out by the way. It means a lot.

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08-01-2012, 12:13 PM
Post: #29
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck




Let's see how you critique something that you VOICED IN

Mwahahahahahaha!!!

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08-01-2012, 04:18 PM
Post: #30
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I'll start doing reviews again tomorrow.

And Quiz, I want no Skype arguments because of this review.

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"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-01-2012, 11:09 PM
Post: #31
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Watching Bakuman has gotten my blood boiling and in the mood for one of these reviews. Up next is ssdrwh0's Guilty Crown since he posted his script. Chris, if you have it available, I'd really like it if you'd update your post with your script.

Alright, ssdrwh0. Let's clear the air a bit. You have made quite a few terrible things, but your most recent episode of Another showed me that you can improve, and that you're at your best when you collaborate with others. That being said, I'm really glad to see that you've gotten Britton to look over your script for you this time, or write his own. This'll also make it a lot easier to separate what you both contributed. In any event, I'm expecting something better than your most recent episode of Another; anything less will be backtracking and a disappointment. So, let's see if you've met the bar.

Scripting:

[spoiler]

It was better. You started out very strong. The bit in the classroom and up to the opening was great. It was snappy, and the type of humor I like. The scene with the scientist was also great and I loved the character you made him into. Here's an adjustment I would make though:

[quote]Scientist

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"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-01-2012, 11:17 PM
Post: #32
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Truth, since you've been reading everyone's scripts each time, I'm curious to know, who do you think formats their scripts the best? Like as far as formatting is concerned, who's script feels the easiest to read, or is easiest to understand what's going on?

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08-01-2012, 11:25 PM
Post: #33
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I don't have much of a preference. Personally I format my script this way:

Character 1: Something.
Character 2: Something else.
(beat)
Character 1(emotion): Team Deathmatch.
----------
Character 1: I am now elsewhere.

I usually don't put much in the way of direction, except for beats, but that's only because I know my VA's really well and can trust them to understand what I'm going for. Plus I direct people a lot. So I'd advise doing more direction in-script than I do.

I don't really like the screenplay format that Oozihobo uses, but hell, if it works for him and his VAs, then he can do as he wants.

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"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-01-2012, 11:48 PM (This post was last modified: 08-01-2012 11:49 PM by OoziHobo.)
Post: #34
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(08-01-2012 11:25 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  I don't really like the screenplay format that Oozihobo uses, but hell, if it works for him and his VAs, then he can do as he wants.

While I agree wholeheartedly with "whatever works" for you, the format that I use is very good at knowing how much material you have.

1 page = 1 minute

Obviously it will vary a little, but that's the general rule. (The format is my lazy adaption of how screenplays are supposed to be written in "the biz".)

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08-02-2012, 02:14 AM
Post: #35
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Thanks for the review. I had some feeling that I should put this epiosde out there in case there are a few things I needed to improve (mostly script-wise)

As for the Voice acting:

Spoiler(Show)
I'm not sure if Gamabuntagod did use any voice manipulation on his, but I've never edited his voices.

StrawberrySana's voice's mic was like that, so I'm not sure if I can convince her to buy a better one or not.

I actually did tell Zanzibar to try multi-tracking the chant, but it turned out terrible. I lazily decided to put that instead.

The funny thing about Britton is that I somehow thought it wasn't as good as the demo reel at first. That's of course until I made myself get used to his initial voices.

Overall, I think I should take it more slowly for episode 2 so that the VAs gain the best result.

Editing department:
Spoiler(Show)
I'll keep in mind of those things.
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08-07-2012, 03:47 AM (This post was last modified: 08-07-2012 01:44 PM by Stephan.)
Post: #36
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I'll go ahead and throw this in here for critique. It's not like you have a life and a big video backlog to review, right? Tongue





You've seen and critiqued the FAR less competent first episode, and you already know I take critique well, so have at it.


EDIT: Oh, I didn't realize you wanted the scripts as well. Here ya go! With this you get to find out what I added while I was editing and you'll also see a certain embarrassingly bad joke I made that I removed in editing.

[spoiler='YYHAF - Episode 4: The Detecting Detective SCRIPT']

YYHAF - Episode 4: The Detecting Detective

CAST
Stephan - Yusuke, Kuwabara, Male Student 2
Chris - Botan, Koenma, Kurama, Atsuko
Garrett - Hiei, Goki, Male Student 1, Mr. Iwamoto
Haley - Keiko, Female Student
Charlie - Mr. Takanaka

[align=center]Hiei, Kurama, and Goki stealing from the vault. A very loud alarm is going off.

HIEI
We should get going now, Goki!

GOKI
Whaaaaaaaat?

KURAMA
He said we should leave!

GOKI
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

HIEI
WE NEED TO GO NOW!

GOKI
I CAN

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08-07-2012, 11:21 AM
Post: #37
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Christhenerd's Ableached Abridged.

The first time I saw this was at the AFLive event. It was one of the more questionable choices Airrest made until we finally got to the video I was in, which was absolutely perfect, obv.

Scripting:

Spoiler(Show)

Since I don't have a script to refer to this time, I'll do what I did with CB and leave some live comments.

[spoiler]

:14 Wow, the opening is really loud, and the obvious TV rip watermark in the corner isn't doing you any favors. Your title card has these weird dots at the bottom. Try getting rid of those.

:49 Tensai's Russian accent has next to no emotion behind it. Just having him say the word "cunt" didn't help your case any either.

:53 These sound effects are off sync a good deal.

1:11 The transition here was jumpy.

1:15 "This'll fuck up someone's day" is one of about three lines that I liked in this. The delivery was perfect, and even though I'm not really digging Rukia's falsetto.

1:30 That was lame. It was just pointing out something in the visuals. Inna worded it better than I could:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkTZnM2J3BI&feature=player_detailpage#t=101s

1:42 I didn't understand anything about that scene. Also more jumpy editing.

1:53 This shot here has the worst case of pixelation I've seen yet. There is really no reason not to have higher quality Bleach footage, because it is all over the place.

2:05 More editing jumpiness.

2:18 "I'm forwarding this text to ten other people. If I don't I'll get cancer." Another line I liked, but this time Rukia's falsetto seemed to be breaking up halfway through, which diminishes it a little bit.

2:36 I don't get it. Why was that scene there?

3:00 Everything with Kon-Ichigo was decent, and somethings were outright good.

3:22 "I call hax" sounds like something I would've written back in 2008. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have a script lying around on my HD with that phrase in it. Point is, it's outdated and bland.

3:33 Again, why was this scene here?

3:54 Why do you keep whisper-grunting the word "bear?"

4:17 "This child has no regard for his mother's disposable income," another line that worked. Until you whisper-grunted "mad."

4:47 Ending tag was loud and yuck.


Alright, now for the actual scripting. For the most part, it was very bland. You had one or two nuggets of gold in there, but they were short lived and far between. There was a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense, sounded awkward, or just wasn't really funny enough to warrant existence.

The live comments ought to give you a decent idea of what worked and what really didn't. If there are certain parts that I didn't mention, it's because it didn't really stand out as really good or really bad. In other words, it was probably bland, and bland is just as bad if not worse than bad.

Have someone read your script(someone that isn't me, goddamnit). If they can't decipher your jokes, then you need to revise or get rid of them. The main problem is, I have no idea what to do with bland writing. Saying "be more original" or "do better" doesn't help if you don't understand what's wrong in the first place, and pinpointing that in bland writing is difficult. Here's the only advice I can give that I think will help: focus on the episode as a whole rather than as a bunch of disjointed scenes. If you do that, pick a "theme" or whatever to last throughout the episode, things will tie in better and it'll be better because of that.

[/spoiler]

Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

I have no beefs with Ichigo or Kon-Ichigo's voice work. Even Hat-and-Clogs was pretty good, despite the gay voice you gave him. The voice acting as a whole felt restricted though. I'll have to find out a better way to put this eventually, but you really need to "bring it" more. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to shout, or over emote, but there needs to be more substance behind what you're saying.

I don't like your falsetto. Your voice often breaks up halfway through any line and it is just very obvious that there's a guy behind there. The secret behind a good falsetto is how you use air in your delivery. You need more of it, and you need to keep it consistent. Right now though, even as an attempt to do a humorous squeeky type voice, it's not working.

Tensai's Russian accent just sounds like you're mumbling shit in a Russian accent. It doesn't sound like he's actually talking. I still don't understand why everyone had to whisper-grunt bear, but if you're going to do that sort of thing, don't whisper it. Deliver your lines like a man.


Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

The editing hurt my face.

First thing is the video quality. As I said before, there is no reason not to have decent Bleach footage. If this is you ripping footage from a DVD, then you need a better ripper. If this is getting footage from another source, then get a better another source. If this is as a result of bad rendering, then stop rendering badly. Either way, clean up your footage. I should not see a giant TV-14 watermark in your opening.

The video editing was very unpolished. There were countless skips in the editing from one line to the next. I didn't pay much attention to the lipflaps since the rest made even perfect lipflaps pointless. You didn't use any visual effects as far as I could tell, so that isn't a bad thing. Your title card needs some cleaning up though. Try to storyboard your script from now on. Make sure that you have the footage to back up whatever dialog you're writing, because the glitches in editing can greatly diminish whatever joke you had at that point. This will also help you to think about your episode as a whole rather than just a bunch of scenes.

Your audio mixing was dull and hurt my ears. You used next to no background music, which can really enhance scenes and make dull dialog a smidge better. Your sound effects, what few of them you used, were off sync most of the time and jarringly loud compared to the rest of your audio. Your opening and endings were extremely loud. Use more BGM, use better sound effects and sync them properly, and learn to level your volume. These are all essential to a proper presentation.


At the end of the day, you have one giant challenge; you're parodying Bleach. I'm not saying a Bleach Abridged can't be good, because others have proven otherwise. Omni's series, Getsugabridged, Cipher's Bleach MENT, Sehanort's Bleachers and Soul Society Spoofs, and even Nisanator1's Bleach Ridiculously Abridged if he ever continues it, all stand out from the pack of Bleach parodies as really freaking good. They all have really good, snappy, funny dialog(even Omni, whose series is very story-driven), great voice acting, and top-notch video and audio editing. Your series has none of these, and with the exception of a few good one liners in your script, it doesn't stand out against anything that would've been made in 2008, let alone today. Back when Khenpoe started, he stood above every other attempt out there because he was a really good editor and an above par voice actor, and didn't rely on the same stupid, tired humor as everyone else.

The point is, you're making an almost Sisyphean endeavor here, and at the level you're at now, I probably wouldn't have bothered watching this series if I wasn't critiquing it. I don't really watch Bleach stuff anymore, because I have like, five alternatives already. I can't even give you any really good advice for how to improve your writing.

At this point, what you have to do is figure out what makes Christhenerd different from everyone else out there, and utilize that. Your sense of humor, your knowledge base, your writing style, is all unique to you, and you need to take advantage of that.

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"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-11-2012, 10:21 PM
Post: #38
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Alright Quiz, you stepped into my dojo, so here comes the pain. Like I said before, I'm not arguing any points in this review with you on Skype, so whatever response you feel like making to this post needs to happen on the forums. The same goes for Scourge and matt.

Scripting:

[spoiler]

Gonna quote a bit of what Eze said that I agree with:

Quote:[*]Disclaimer was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long, and the "joke" was deadpan and was poorly executed.
[*]Referencing shit you voiced in is not funny.
[*]Calling a robot a Gundam: Literally the most unoriginal and most unfunny joke in the mecha genre now.

Even when reading the disclaimer joke as Rossiu, it felt too long and like it didn't really have a decent pay off. The wording was convoluted so the point of the joke (that Rossiu's people are poor and starving) was probably lost on quite a few people.

I realize this is an episode where you're introducing a new character, and to get the info across it's gonna be slow at times, but there were very few actual funny lines in this episode. I mean, haha, Rossiu's forehead is big, it was an observation the first time, and the second and third times it lost whatever humor it did have.

This right here:

[quote][Face God]: You

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-12-2012, 10:03 AM
Post: #39
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
This is an awesome critique thread. Help me to help you enjoy a better Trigun parody. =]




I don't have my script on either of the two computers I have with me, but I sent you the first draft around 3 months ago on skype.

[Image: quadgunlogoweb-1.jpg]
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08-14-2012, 12:31 AM (This post was last modified: 08-14-2012 12:33 AM by concrete Building.)
Post: #40
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Well.. You knew this was coming


[spoiler='Script']Script: Scene One: Training Grounds
(Naruto throws a Shuriken at Kakashi yet, Kakashi ducks to the ground)
Kakashi: (sarcastic) Wow, Shurikens
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