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Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
08-19-2012, 01:40 PM
Post: #41
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I'm gonna review Stephen's episode 5 rather than 4, since it's more recent and saying anything about four is pretty much a waste of time at this point.

I'll say this much though: I thought 4 was better than 5. It was funnier, the voice acting is and always has been a hit, and the visual effects you did with Goki at the end were amazing. Only downside was Koenma's voice; I think Chris needs to work on his air control a bit better, as some of his lines came across like he was being tortured for air. Chris's Botan voice has really grown on me.

Anywho, I don't have much to say regarding voice acting and editing. These are honestly your strongest points, and I don't see anything that could be better. You'd be better off asking Eze or one of the mods here that does actual voice work for opinions on that. So I'll be focusing on the scripting.

Live Reaction:

Spoiler(Show)
0:07-I'm honestly missing the "Baskets of Fun with Botabara" title, even though it was mostly a one-off gag. Just kind of reminded me of LK putting "The Cancelled Series" in his newest episodes, a nice little touch that added baskets of fun.

0:32-The eyelid thing there was pretty much the only thing that made that line different from anything in Lanipator's series. If you'd never seen it, he mostly made every joke a "I hate you grrr," deal for a while.

1:03-Kurama sounded very quiet throughout this part. I have no idea why. Just kind of raspy.

1:31-I just now realized she was talking about poop.

2:12-There is nothing you could do about it, I realize, but that is the goofiest looking animation frame I have ever seen.

2:29-See that right there, shows me that Chris can play a very good Kurama. His lines before that were kind of missing the mark a bit though.

3:57-The "That's a thing?" line kind of came out of nowhere. I'm guessing it was meant to be a response to "an oath of fealty and revenge" but it came way too long after that phrase was uttered.

4:01-Worst best frenemy is an awesome word.

4:22-Didn't really get the point of the "you can have my job" exchange. You honestly could have come up with a lot better punchline than that.

4:39-Mirror gag was cool.


Scripting:

Spoiler(Show)

Like I said before, this wasn't your funniest episode. There were very few actual funny parts. The whole thing with the mirror was great, entertaining, yadda yadda, though not funny. The shot of Kurama when talking to the doctor was so goofy that I had to think about it, and thinking isn't something that should happen when watching something. I guess another way to put it is that it ruined the immersion. I'd ordinarily chalk this up to introducing a character slowing down an episode, but really, you did so well with Goki that that's not a good explanation. Maybe it was Kurama's backstory, in which case you need to really think outside the box. And you did somewhat, by having his mother die, so I know that's not the problem for you.

Here's the thing, a lot of the lines near the end sounded nonsensical and not in the good way. They felt like the type of lines I'd write after a marathon scripting session when I just wanted the episode to end. You need to avoid those at all costs, because it leads to sloppy writing. Episode four had a very neat series of gags that ended the episode and really concluded the whole plotline. That's what you should strive to do, not "Oh if this doesn't pan out you can have my job."

Everyone has bland episodes; it just happens. Next time just take more care not to force yourself to write. Not to mention that this one was released about two weeks before the previous one, so just take more time when needed.


Overall I'm really digging the fact that you're doing this way differently than Deathlymuffins. It gives people a nice alternative.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-19-2012, 02:09 PM
Post: #42
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I agree with you, this is not our best. Honestly, this episode exists kind of as a bridge between 4 and 6 more than anything else. There was tons of material for 4, and we have lots of material for 6 as well, but 5 pretty much is there because it needs to set up Kurama and the different direction we're taking him. However, I am REALLY looking forward to doing 6(the Hiei episode). That one is by far the most out-of-the-box and the funniest one we've scripted yet in my opinion.

Thanks for the critique, Truth, we'll try and put it to good use! This probably won't be the last time I bring videos here.

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08-19-2012, 02:14 PM (This post was last modified: 08-22-2012 01:16 AM by Ezekieru.)
Post: #43
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
TeamShippudenSquad's Naruto Shippuden Abridged. I'll get to Quadgun a bit later, but this one was shorter and I just did one.

I watched the scenes you sent me beforehand, and reviewed this before, so a lot of what I'm going to say should not surprise you.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

Much better this time around. Your pacing has really improved and your scenes are consistent. Your lip flaps remained mostly perfect, except for one glitch in the motion masking:

[Image: lq0w.png]

If I caught it, it's pretty noticeable.


Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

The guy who plays Naruto keeps whisper yelling, and it's pissing me off. Septa did ok as Gaara, but either his mic is kind of suckish quality, or his gruff voices just buzz a lot. You probably got lines in after I critiqued your last episode, so I won't go into too much detail about it.

Scripting:

[spoiler]

*sigh* You really need to work on this. This guy pretty much got it right:

[Image: scaled.php?tn=0&server=875&a...;ysize=640]

Your jokes are dull. The good ones sometimes fall flat due to delivery, but most of them just weren't good. I think the only thing I liked out of this entire episode was Sasori holding a gun to his head. The thing I liked the least was this "joke:"

[quote]Deidara: I desire of your body

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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08-25-2012, 07:39 AM
Post: #44
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
[quote='Truthordeal' pid='13964' dateline='1345403670']
TeamShippudenSquad's Naruto Shippuden Abridged. I'll get to Quadgun a bit later, but this one was shorter and I just did one.

I watched the scenes you sent me beforehand, and reviewed this before, so a lot of what I'm going to say should not surprise you.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

Much better this time around. Your pacing has really improved and your scenes are consistent. Your lip flaps remained mostly perfect, except for one glitch in the motion masking:

[Image: lq0w.png]

If I caught it, it's pretty noticeable.


Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

The guy who plays Naruto keeps whisper yelling, and it's pissing me off. Septa did ok as Gaara, but either his mic is kind of suckish quality, or his gruff voices just buzz a lot. You probably got lines in after I critiqued your last episode, so I won't go into too much detail about it.

Scripting:

[spoiler]

*sigh* You really need to work on this. This guy pretty much got it right:

[Image: scaled.php?tn=0&server=875&a...;ysize=640]

Your jokes are dull. The good ones sometimes fall flat due to delivery, but most of them just weren't good. I think the only thing I liked out of this entire episode was Sasori holding a gun to his head. The thing I liked the least was this "joke:"

[quote]Deidara: I desire of your body
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08-31-2012, 11:50 PM
Post: #45
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(08-19-2012 02:14 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  [Image: lq0w.png]

^Seeing little glitches like that in abridged series always make me laugh.

[Image: tumblr_ntkichcGgA1r2k5yqo1_500.png][Image: 81aWAcGPlpL._SX355_.jpg]
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09-01-2012, 12:40 AM
Post: #46
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Yeah, that's really weird that you got it, since I've used 2 different machines by now to view this part, both mac and PC, both that run very nicely, and on neither of those have I gotten any frames that jump to that.

There's alot of other bugs and glitches that I'm very surprised you didn't harp on (most of them being exporting glitches), because those are the obvious ones to me.. Yes, I'll make sure those are out of episode 4.
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09-08-2012, 12:52 PM (This post was last modified: 09-08-2012 02:30 PM by Truthordeal.)
Post: #47
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Alright. I've been putting this one off for a while, since the duration made me worry about how much time this would take. But I've got all afternoon now, so here we go.

Quadgun 6 by OoziHobo and BaronOfBerlin.

Scripting

Spoiler(Show)

I'll get to this in greater depth with the editing portion, but there were a lot of times where you could have said just as much with less; you used more words than necessary to convey one particular thought. And this slows down your episode more than necessary. This wasn't as much of an issue when you were making six minute videos, but this one was quite a bit longer and you could afford to cut much more.

I'll go on ahead and put this one in the scripting section, though it could fit more in editing. In the first scene the "hot daughter" guy makes a mini-rant about bureaucracy and democracy that probably goes on a bit long. Rather than just say that it was bad, I'll give you an idea of what to do in those situations:

1) You could've had the first half of the speech happen when the focus is on Millie and Meryl. Having it wait until after they're done talking makes it seem like it's coming out of nowhere and just kind of went on. There was one part where it seemed like he was finished, and I was expecting the punchline, but then it just went on. By having it mostly in the background, you'd cut down on the duration of the speech(which wasn't really that funny and only served to set up to Vash shooting him) and the whole gag would've gone on much better.

2) There is no second idea.

The Macho Man guy didn't really look like him, so that may have hurt the joke, but I'm willing to look past that because DragonMasterLaw did a really good voice for him, the Miss Elizabeth-Randy Savage thing was really neat, and I'm a huge wrestling nerd that thought "OOOH YEAH! Macho Man went to college!" was funny. I can see a lot of people disliking it though.

[Image: 6o3b.png]

This was my favorite visual effect in so long. It brought the joke around to it's full conclusion, gave you something neat to look at, and it was just hilarious seeing the guy hold up the sign.
When Elizabeth came on screen as the main villain, it just tied everything together really well. You outdid yourself with this.

On how to improve your scripting, well, concision. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing.


Voice Acting

Spoiler(Show)

It was good.

Next.

No seriously, I can't find much wrong with it and I'm writing this part last, so I'm tired of saying only nice things without being able to constructively be a dick.


Editing

Spoiler(Show)

Ok, here we have some stuff to talk about.

First of all, your editing really set the tone of this series as a traditional, sometimes hokey spaghetti western. This gives Quadgun a very unique feel to it that no other abridger has been capable of replicating, and feels really fitting for the source material. I think your pacing, your ambiance is really one of your strongest points in a very strong series altogether, and I would be willing to watch a 15 minute video from you given where you are now skill-wise.

But a lot of others might not. The people whose opinions matter wouldn't make too much of a fuss so long as you have content, but there are still gonna be people who complain about it, and while they're not as important, you can still learn stuff from them. There was one scene in the middle that a lot of people brought up with the cats and whatever, that they felt overstayed its welcome, and I agree. I remember kind of losing focus in this scene, regaining focus and realizing it was still that scene, then getting bored with it, then laughing like crazy when Vash said "If I were the last person on this planet, you'd be dead."

Point is, the scene carried on too long and killed some of your momentum, and probably made your video longer than it need to be. The ending climactic scene felt rushed, and I guess that's because you hated how long the video was, but it kind of got hard to figure out what was going on. So work on making scenes not too long.

Pacing was fine, comedic timing was fine, lipflaps were good. I dunno. I think it's a matter of, the more you do, the more you see this minute things that will make your episode better, editing wise. So yeah.


I don't give arbitrary number ratings, but I'm giving Quadgun 6 the highest possible score of 9/10. Conversely, I'm giving this critique the lowest possible score of 2/10, because I couldn't say as much mean stuff.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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09-15-2012, 08:09 PM (This post was last modified: 09-15-2012 08:11 PM by TheHawk.)
Post: #48
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Here it is, I've probably put more into this one than my others so far. I hope you like it


SCRIPT
[spoiler]



Scene 1
(Makina in office looking at computer)
(audio from episode 1 playing)
Ganta: Kneel before Ganta!
Makina: (Amused) Well, that was the shortest jailbreak in history.


(cut to Ganta in his cell)
Ganta: (confused) Kneel before Ganta?

(Opening)

Scene 2
(Infirmary)
Rei: (clinically) You are one heavy bleeder, Ganta. Now be sure to suck on your candy.
Ganta: (slowly and confused) Suck my candy? I don

"Your stuff is pretty good, but it's no TeamFourStar. Be more like them!"- My supportive roommate.

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09-22-2012, 12:35 AM (This post was last modified: 09-22-2012 12:38 AM by Truthordeal.)
Post: #49
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Originally, I was gonna copy/paste Oozihobo's review and pass it off as mine as a joke, but I think I can give you enough to warrant a separate one. So let's hit it.

Hawk. This was a...huge step back for you. Your first episode was tightly edited, even if a bit poorly paced, and your main concern was better voice acting. But after this time you really need to step it up.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

Alright, so your editing was something I praised a lot in the first critique I gave. This time, it was kind of bad. The mixing thing we talked about on Skype, with the muted track, but even if you had six audio tracks that you accidentally muted I'm not sure it could've been saved.

I originally watched this thing by just reading your script as it went along, and usually I do that so as to not get distracted by visual effects, and also because if your editing and pacing is any good, then I should be able to figure out what's going on without the visual. And I couldn't do that for a lot of parts. I scrolled back up to check the video at 2:20-2:27 because I thought it had stalled or something. Really, it was a lot of dead space. This happened a number of times, and I'm not sure the sound effects would've helped much. Concise your editing a little bit.

But that doesn't mean that you should speed up the pacing. I noticed this happening a couple times, where the lines followed too quickly after one another. If the dialog doesn't sound like a conversation, then you either need to slow it down or speed it up.

On top of the sound and the pacing, you also had boring, repetitive visuals. You used clips more than once, and it become really evident that you were using some to avoid lipflaps. So, you had dull visuals and dull audio that sounded off.

You at least did the lipflaps well.


Scripting:

[spoiler]

No walruses. Ever again.

[quote]
Scene 6
(After Shiro lands on him in race)
Ganta: you know what, (censored) fuck me.
Shiro (frustrated): What do you think Shiro

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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09-30-2012, 09:57 PM (This post was last modified: 09-30-2012 10:02 PM by TwooGiz.)
Post: #50
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck

[spoiler]FUKUMAN - 2

Scene 1

(02-18-2012 12:30 PM)Airrest Wrote:  There's a certain charm to it that I don't think most people, even on this forum, are going to get or like.
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09-30-2012, 10:14 PM (This post was last modified: 09-30-2012 11:09 PM by Discount_Flunky.)
Post: #51
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Wow this seems to be the only critique thread that is still active.

Well here you go.






Here's the script. It does not include changes I made to it while editing so it won't match up perfectly.
[spoiler]
Keith: Discount
Lance: Florence
Pidge: Navy
Sven: Discount
Hunk: CB
King Zarkon: Discount
Haggar: Tear
Yurak: Hawk
Minion 1:
Minion 2:
Minion3:
Minion 4: CB
Minion 5:
Alliance Commander: Yomi
Fat Alliance Dude: Florence
Old Alliance Dude: Navy
Breaded Alliance Dude (aka Lotor): Discount

Keith: *Radio* This is commander Keith approaching planet Arus and no problem*/Radio*-. Wo what the hell is this? Ok it's official no more getting stoned before we go out on a mission.

Hunk: Sir your not tripping, the planet is getting attacked!

Keith: Aww, well they can't make this job easy can they. *Radio* Calling useless filler characters, calling useless filler characters, we're going in through Zarkons massive attach fleet with our unarmed vessel to see if we can do anything for the people of Arus.*/Radio

Sven: It looks pretty bad on the telescaners

Lance: Yo da! There explosions the size of Hunks Behind going on down there!

Keith: The streets are empty, it looks like all the people of Arus made it to their underground shelters.

Pidge: You really think so?

Keith: Nope. they were probably all died horrid deaths

Sven: Let's get down there as fast as we can!

Keith: Hell fricking no! We're space explorers not Kamikaze pilots!

Lance: What a coward you call yourself a leader!

Keith: You can call me a coward all you want but nothing and I mean nothing is making me go down there. *Fighter Blasts Sand* Did they just randomly blow up sand?! NO ONE blows up sand on my watch. This just go personal!

Wow this place is epically messed up

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09-30-2012, 10:51 PM
Post: #52
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
I'm not going to lie, Truth. I've looked at your critique countless times since you posted it and I can't think of a real response apart from that you are basically right. We went over a lot of my response to this on skype, but I don't really have much to say.

Though that one section you pointed out as being silent does have sound, its people faintly murmuring in the background. I toned it down too much I guess.

I don't mean to seem as self-deprecating as I do. I really don't mean to. I honestly am not even aware that I am do it. I hope that I'll get better and act better.

I appreciate all of the feedback that you guys have given me and I hope that I can improve next time.

"Your stuff is pretty good, but it's no TeamFourStar. Be more like them!"- My supportive roommate.

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10-01-2012, 07:05 PM
Post: #53
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Fuk[U]man 2 by Twoogizz and Slayer#####.

Writing:

[spoiler]
[quote]Both-

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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10-02-2012, 11:15 AM
Post: #54
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(09-30-2012 10:51 PM)TheHawk Wrote:  I don't mean to seem as self-deprecating as I do. I really don't mean to. I honestly am not even aware that I am do it. I hope that I'll get better and act better.

I appreciate all of the feedback that you guys have given me and I hope that I can improve next time.

Looks like someone's coming down with Mattroks101 Syndrome.

Thanks for all the good times.
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10-03-2012, 07:54 PM
Post: #55
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
VOL-tron O'bridged by Discount_Flunky.

Lemme get this part out of the way quickly: Length. It's not a bad thing in and of itself. Mattroks is wrong when he says anything over seven minutes is poorly paced. There are quite a few people that can pull of 10+ minute episodes, like TFS, OLSA, GWS(shut up, 1Kids) and Sehanort. The reason they can do this is because their stuff is at least entertaining, and they know how to pace it so that 10+ minutes of content fits a 10+ minute time frame.

For this episode, 15 minutes is way too long. There was so much shit(and I use that word deliberately) that you could have cut that would have put this under 10 minutes. The pacing and your timing was so sluggish and terrible that had this been edited by Airrest or someone who is competent at editing, it would have fit under 12 minutes. When you can cut a third of your script and still have something coherent, you know there is something off on your scripting. That being said, overall you don't have a terrible script, but your presentation sucks.

Scripting:

Spoiler(Show)

Foreshadowing "jokes," jokes about actual dub dialog, this "urgh I hate you I'm gonna kill you humor," were all things that were outdated years ago. They were barely funny when people first started doing them and they only really succeeded because of the novelty of the medium. Point is, they're not funny now, and they contribute nothing.

Here are some things you wrote that made me think "what the fuck? Really?" while watching:

-At 7:47, you did a "how did I get here/how did this happen!" joke.

-At 6:25: "Is that a type of fooooood?" followed by the weakest "ugggh."

-"This scene is unnecessary!"

-"What are we yelling about?"

-"I'm in two places at once now!"

Your dialog was discombobulated at parts. You had next to no flow. There were times when you'd script an interruption and then lead with a non sequitur. You seem to be scripting in the style of longer episodes, the stuff I do with Sands or the stuff Airrest does with OLSA, and then you add in these random jokes that don't really fit into that style. It's schizophrenic and it doesn't work.

The prison scene was probably your strongest point because you wrote actual dialog and some of it was actually funny. I could see someone taking your script for that scene and remixing it with decent voice work and editing, entering it into Eze's Challenge and getting a decent rank. The thing that killed it was your presentation, so let's get to that.

Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)

There were so many jokes that were ruined and so many lines of dialog that lost their punch by your voice acting. It's emotionless, wooden and while the guy voicing the guy with the mullet and brown jacket did pretty well at times, almost everyone ended up whisper screaming.

People have been complaining about your echoey mic and stuff like that, but I could really look past that if you learned how to emote and got your team to do the same. Everyone's delivery was slower than it needed to be, and this in part hurt your pacing.

The captain of the table thing was incoherent. His entire scene was him going "goober grahbgrahb goober" and then someone responding for as far as I could tell. I know he said words, because I saw the script, but I pretty much had to use the script to know what was going on. And that's not good.

The one thing you pulled off decently was the sequential yelling. I don't know how you pulled that off all things considered, but it was good.

I'm terrible at voice acting, I really am. I can hardly emote and my lisp makes enunciation difficult. If I have to get on your case about dull voice acting, you have a problem.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)

The one thing you did well was lipflaps. They were pretty consistently on, and I wouldn't be out of place pointing out the frame skips, but I won't do that because the native footage is difficult. Everything else was not very good.

Let's start with audio. You had next to no sound effects until the very end. Combined with the voice acting, this made your video very boring to listen to. I noticed some bgm over dialog, so I know you have at least two audio tracks, and that's probably not going to be enough. If you have to rerender the audio to mix it properly, then do that. If you're trying to do an OLSA style parody here, then your presentation, especially your sound, has to bring everything together.

Next is video. You kept reusing the same shots over and over again, which can be helped if you cut some stuff out. There was no semblance of scene continuity or flow.

Your pacing was also off. I've said this repeatedly in this thread to the point where I don't know how to put it any more clearly, but if it doesn't sound like people conversing, then the pacing is not right. For what you're trying to do, it shouldn't even sound like people are trying to make jokes; they're talking and the humor is derived from that. Once you get that feel down, you won't have this problem anymore, but for now it's just too sluggish. It kills any momentum you had in your dialog.

Whatever "words on screen" font/type you're using is bland and boring. It looks like whatever comes with WMM and that should give a lot of people here nightmares.

I didn't do the thing I normally do where I go back and read the script while keeping up with the audio because I didn't want to watch it again. So I can't say if I could keep up with this without the visuals but more than likely I could have at least understood the prison scene. The rest I'm not so sure of because of how much dead space you had.

You made a very boring, bland video, and it's ultimately your presentation and not your script, though you certainly have some issues there. I don't have a one size fits all solution to this except "do better at voice acting and editing." I'm assuming you're going for a more...I don't know how to word this, but a longer-type abridged video. If I'm wrong then you're way off where you need to be.

But the point is, the groups that attempt this style have amazing presentations. Outlaw Star Abridged may have a long running time, but it is entertaining. Same with TeamFourStar; as much as people complain about them not using enough jokes, or straight facing an episode, they are always at least entertaining.

Rather than just not give any advice, here are some examples of how to make this style work:

OLSA 6

This one is probably the best presented abridged series outside of TeamFourStar, and it's always entertaining.

Sands 7. Yea, I know it's typically in bad taste to post your own stuff, but it's my thread and I'm posting it anyway.

This is "middle of the road" quality, but it's a huge step in the right direction for you.

The final word on this is that you really need to step it up and get things put together better. Hopefully you can use this critique as a way to do that, but it's really up to you.

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Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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10-03-2012, 08:15 PM
Post: #56
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(10-03-2012 07:54 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  There were so many jokes that were ruined and so many lines of dialog that lost their punch by your voice acting. It's emotionless, wooden and while the guy voicing the guy with the mullet and brown jacket did pretty well at times, almost everyone ended up whisper screaming.

I whisper-screamed? Where was this?

OoziHobo Wrote:CB, did you slip in from the negaverse?

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10-03-2012, 08:22 PM (This post was last modified: 10-03-2012 08:23 PM by Truthordeal.)
Post: #57
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
The phrase "I have a problem."

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"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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10-03-2012, 08:27 PM
Post: #58
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Ooh.. Yeah, that was more of me expressing something while terribly doing a very raspy voice than screaming, but still, something I should look at.

OoziHobo Wrote:CB, did you slip in from the negaverse?

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10-03-2012, 09:55 PM
Post: #59
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
First off thank you for the review.

(10-03-2012 07:54 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  VOL-tron O'bridged by Discount_Flunky.

Lemme get this part out of the way quickly: Length.

I think at this point that dead horse has been beaten quite severely. This is a full review so you had to bring it up, but I want you to know that I'm very aware of the problem and I will defiantly fix that one in my next script. And just so you know, I am going for a longer type abridged style, so they will always be longer, but 15 is way to long.


Scripting:


Quote:Foreshadowing "jokes," jokes about actual dub dialog, this "urgh I hate you I'm gonna kill you humor," were all things that were outdated years ago.

This short of has nothing to do with you but I got to say this.

I really reject the very concept that types of jokes and styles can become outdated. If styles can become outdated then eventually there will be no styles left, as most styles are just slight variations of other styles, and there's only so many archetypes.

Especially "I hate you" type humor. Really, we can't have characters hate each other anymore? That's been "taken" and off limits? Give me a brake.

That being said, I will attempt to make the next script more fresh and original, just don't expect me to change my style because some people are still bored of things that happened five+ years ago.

Quote:-"I'm in two places at once now!"

He was at the bars and grabbing the ropes at the same time. This is because I had him bend the bars instead of Hunk, so I decided to make fun of it by pointing it out to people who might not have noticed. That is were that line comes from. Does that make sense? In fact I'm planning on having a "Clone Pidge" show up from time to time if the footage allows it because of that joke.

Quote:Your dialog was discombobulated at parts. You had next to no flow. There were times when you'd script an interruption and then lead with a non sequitur. You seem to be scripting in the style of longer episodes, the stuff I do with Sands or the stuff Airrest does with OLSA, and then you add in these random jokes that don't really fit into that style. It's schizophrenic and it doesn't work.

The style I'm experimenting with now is to have mostly character based dialog humor, with a few random jokes mixed in to surprise people and add twists. If that doesn't work in the long run I'll keep to the more dialog based humor, and save random jokes for other series I'm doing. I think I can pull the style off with practice though.

Voice Acting:

Quote:People have been complaining about your echoey mic and stuff like that, but I could really look past that if you learned how to emote and got your team to do the same. Everyone's delivery was slower than it needed to be, and this in part hurt your pacing.

As you pointed out I had good emoting when I was doing the yelling lines, but mediocre emoting everywhere else. For the screaming lines I went all out and actually screamed and throw in as much emotion as possible. I apparently didn't do this for the speaking lines, so I'm just going to have treat every line like I did the screaming lines.

As for the VA's talking slow, I noticed that and it kind of bugged me. I'm going to make sure they speak faster next time.


Quote:Editing:

You had next to no sound effects until the very end. Combined with the voice acting, this made your video very boring to listen to. I noticed some bgm over dialog, so I know you have at least two audio tracks, and that's probably not going to be enough.

I would have put in sound effects in the prison scene but I honestly couldn't think of anything that I really could put in there. I mean it's just guys talking, what sound effects should there even be? What should I add breathing sounds, or cloths rustling, or neck creak sounds when they turn there heads? I honestly don't know what. I should have put in background music though, that would have helped. Just so you know I have Premiere Elements. There were many places were I used more then one audio track.

Quote:Your pacing was also off. I've said this repeatedly in this thread to the point where I don't know how to put it any more clearly, but if it doesn't sound like people conversing, then the pacing is not right. For what you're trying to do, it shouldn't even sound like people are trying to make jokes; they're talking and the humor is derived from that. Once you get that feel down, you won't have this problem anymore, but for now it's just too sluggish. It kills any momentum you had in your dialog.

I left in a lot of shots of them walking up to each other, and pans and such specifically because I saw you complain once that abridgers don't use the actual animations enough and episodes end up looking to static. I also heard Ezekieru complain that people don't use enough establishing shots. I guess I went over board when trying to appease both those points. I will defiantly cut the next episode more tightly and avoid a lot of dead air.


I'm glad you thought some of the dialog was funny. At least I'm doing something right, and that's something that's hard to get right so at least I'm short of heading in the right direction. Fortunately, the next script isn't even close to done so I have time to apply everything people have told me.

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10-04-2012, 07:56 AM
Post: #60
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  Scripting:


Quote:Foreshadowing "jokes," jokes about actual dub dialog, this "urgh I hate you I'm gonna kill you humor," were all things that were outdated years ago.

This short of has nothing to do with you but I got to say this.

I really reject the very concept that types of jokes and styles can become outdated. If styles can become outdated then eventually there will be no styles left, as most styles are just slight variations of other styles, and there's only so many archetypes.

Hey, Discount: All your base are belong to me now. OMG, get it? Isn't that hilariously lolXD?

It's not? Well if you don't find it funny then you sir are the weakest link. =0D

You see, both of those are jokes that people no longer use unironically because they're so overplayed that no one except people brand new to the Internet would find them amusing anymore. I'd say that foreshadowing and "original dub" dialog would be the same, but that would suggest that they were funny in the first place, which I argued they weren't.

(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  Especially "I hate you" type humor. Really, we can't have characters hate each other anymore? That's been "taken" and off limits? Give me a brake.

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(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  That being said, I will attempt to make the next script more fresh and original, just don't expect me to change my style because some people are still bored of things that happened five+ years ago.

The "urgh, I hate you I'm gonna kill you" humor is essentially what people do when they're groping the bottom of the barrel and have nothing original to say. Usually the "blow-off" line will be "If you do/don't do X I will (vivid description of violence)." Unless you can do this in a way that hasn't been done to death before, it's not gonna work.

Antagonism and the "straight man-butthead" relationship aren't bad in and of themselves, but let's examine what you've done here with Sven and Leaderguy:

Sven: (Pointing out the obvious)

Leaderguy: Ugh Sven I hate you. You are terrible.

Sven: Hey Leaderguy, (something wacky)

Leaderguy: OMG Sven I'm gonna kill you/stab you 47 times!

It might be simply ok if I hadn't seen this joke, this particular set up, so many times by now, but the "I'm gonna stab you 47 times until I get killed" line drags on for so long makes it worse.

And you're not the only one who does it. Naruto Abridged did this all the time, for no apparent reason. Lanipator did this all the time in his older episodes. And they did it better, because they knew how to deliver it better. But almost every neophyte abridger does this at some point because that's what they learned from them, and it's old.

(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  He was at the bars and grabbing the ropes at the same time. This is because I had him bend the bars instead of Hunk, so I decided to make fun of it by pointing it out to people who might not have noticed.


Why? Why did you feel the need to explain the joke to the audience? If the audience hasn't seen Voltron before they might not pick up on it, sure, but the little nerd guy bending the bars would have been a nicer twist.

(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  In fact I'm planning on having a "Clone Pidge" show up from time to time if the footage allows it because of that joke.

...Ok.

(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  I would have put in sound effects in the prison scene but I honestly couldn't think of anything that I really could put in there. I mean it's just guys talking, what sound effects should there even be? What should I add breathing sounds, or cloths rustling, or neck creak sounds when they turn there heads? I honestly don't know what.


How about sound effects in the action sequence at the beginning? That would've been helpful. You have people shooting lasers at each other and no sound.

(10-03-2012 09:55 PM)Discount_Flunky Wrote:  I left in a lot of shots of them walking up to each other, and pans and such specifically because I saw you complain once that abridgers don't use the actual animations enough and episodes end up looking to static. I also heard Ezekieru complain that people don't use enough establishing shots. I guess I went over board when trying to appease both those points. I will defiantly cut the next episode more tightly and avoid a lot of dead air.

You can add in pan shots, establishing shots and characters moving while still having them talk. But your pacing issue wasn't just those times, it was even the times when you used still-frame lipflapping.

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