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Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
06-21-2013, 12:54 AM
Post: #81
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(06-20-2013 03:42 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  Could you post the text of your script with it?

WOW! Thanks for letting me forget that rule, jerk...I updated it, okay, don't get mad at me...

Trained at the top of Mt Abrudged for 3 years; I'm back and more powerful than ever!
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06-24-2013, 01:10 AM
Post: #82
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Double header coming through.

First of all, I wanna say that these two on their best days rival the best out there and are too good for this sinful thread. For the most part there really isn't much I can tell you both that you don't already know outside of scripting.

Anyway, part one of two is Stephan's Abridged on Titan.

Script:
Spoiler(Show)
The biggest thing I can find with your scripting is that you usually end on a really weak note. The last line in this video "what are the birds and bees a metaphor for" just isn't suitable for a big finish. If it had been the last thing Eren was talking about with his mother, it might have been better, but you have this hugely dramatic scene where Eren's mom gets killed and Hannes realizes he's screwed, and the payoff just wasn't there. I'd almost say that the end would have been better if you'd just cut it off without a joke.

Other than that, you've written well rounded characters, you hit the vital "feels" point for 1Kids' challenge, everything was consistently entertaining and your dialog is snappy.

4.0/5.

Voice Acting:
Spoiler(Show)
You really showed off your range and vocal virtuousity in this video. As I was reading your script it really came alive with your voice work, to the point where I didn't NEED to look at the video to see what was happening. Code also sounded about as good as I'd ever heard her, though I'll take off part of a point because I felt that her voices were a bit too similar to hear back to back. In reality, I just don't want to give out perfect scores.

1.5/2

Editing
Spoiler(Show)
As I said before under voice work, your mixing helped bring your script to life and your video editing is always on par. I did notice a few glitches though, so 2.5/3

Overall
Spoiler(Show)
If I had to pick a winner for 1Kids Challenge, and I didn't have to worry about the fact that you've already won once before, I'd choose this easily.

8.0/10


Second header is Deathlymuffins' Yugioh Abridged Shot the Third:

Editing
Spoiler(Show)
I know footage for Yugioh Season 0 is tough to come by, how tedious it must have been to edit around the subtitles, and its a marvel you got as clean a rip as you got. So I won't complain about that. What I will complain about is that your scene consistency is off and can be jarring at times. You avoid this with Yu Yu Hakushow a lot because you have tons of footage to work with, but you're restricted in this case and you have to take that into account. Also you messed up the number of days Tristan had in the editing, even though your script has it right. Therefore you're wrong and that is bad.

Otherwise your editing's flawless. Audio is mixed really well and the volume is pleasant. I also keep noticing these subtle little editing gags or points you throw in that aren't ostentatious, and therefore a lot of people don't notice that you did them. And I like those. They're neat.

2.25/3.

Voice Acting
Spoiler(Show)
Everyone keeps talking about a thing Carrie BubblyMunkey slips over and I don't see it, and therefore can't fault you for. Your Yugi is really impressive considering how low your normal voice can be. I think if I had one peeve with it, it was surprisingly Gabe's acting. Him doing a light voice for OG Bakura seemed to kick his breath control down, and a few of his lines come off as weezy. Even though it was all good though, it wasn't spectacular.

1.25/2

Scripting
Spoiler(Show)
I can't give you much advice here. Your writing is great. Obviously it's not perfect, but it's not perfect in a way that I don't know how to advise you to make better. You end strongly and your jokes are good. You even make decent throwaway lines.

Work on your dialog. You transition from one idea to the next a bit rapidly, and it can be disorienting for people not familiar with your source material. Just put in some lines here and there to better ground your scripting.

Then again I dunno. Do whatever.

3.0/5

Overall
Spoiler(Show)
6.5/10.

You do better with Yu Yu Hakusho, honestly. It feels just a bit off with Yugioh. Be better next time, nerd.

Both of you are too good for me to help in any major way. Go do your own shit and learn from better people.

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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06-24-2013, 09:41 PM
Post: #83
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
its just a first time test of sony vegas for me so here



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06-24-2013, 09:47 PM
Post: #84
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(06-24-2013 09:41 PM)TannerTundra Wrote:  its just a first time test of sony vegas for me so here




The syncing for the boy was good. Not so much for the other guy...

#Sweg
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06-24-2013, 09:53 PM
Post: #85
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
nice eye. I did the flaps for the kid but was thrown off by the guys movement when he talked so I thought maybe I should leave it I'll try harder in the next test.
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06-24-2013, 11:17 PM
Post: #86
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
Simple solution: Use a still frame.

[Image: 7v3W4zL.gif]

Projects:
- EAGLE 03: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recording
- MajiKoi Abridged Episode 5: - - - Scripting Indefinitely
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06-24-2013, 11:41 PM
Post: #87
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(06-24-2013 09:41 PM)TannerTundra Wrote:  its just a first time test of sony vegas for me so here




This really isn't what this thread is for.

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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06-24-2013, 11:43 PM (This post was last modified: 06-24-2013 11:49 PM by TannerTundra.)
Post: #88
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
still frame?

my bad

Sorry you can take this down if ya need
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07-01-2013, 06:16 AM (This post was last modified: 07-01-2013 06:19 AM by ssdrwh0.)
Post: #89
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
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07-01-2013, 09:39 AM
Post: #90
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
If you did it for the hell of it then there's no sense in critiquing it.

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-01-2013, 07:21 PM
Post: #91
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
i mean the name itself. but if u dont wanna critique, thats fine.
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07-08-2013, 10:27 AM
Post: #92
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
ssdrwh0's Code:MENT

Neat title, by the way. I disagree with InitialWalter that it was a bad idea.

Scripting

Spoiler(Show)
I could bring up the fact that you left out chunks of important information from scene to scene (for example, why Sakura "knew" that he was the arsonist), and I could mention how your switch on the "date" scene was pretty clever, but the bottom line here is, this just wasn't funny. And I don't really know how to advise you to improve, because humor is so subjective that what works for me may not work for you. The script was overall, just bland.

Voice work

Spoiler(Show)
The VAs for the two main characters were really good, though some of their deliveries felt a bit "isolated," so you should probably direct them a bit more, or even get them into a group call to have them rehearse it together. The minor characters were not as good. There was a ton of airy, whisper screams and stumbling over one's accent. Again, I have an accent as well, but I know that I have to be very careful when I enunciate so I don't bring my drawl in. It's just something you have to watch out for.

Editing

Spoiler(Show)
Visuals are good, but audio is lacking tremendously. Take the shot where the group of boys is shouting as the best example. It's very dull, and doesn't fit the action on the screen.

Overall

Spoiler(Show)
This is the fourth or fifth video by you that I've critiqued. Overall you haven't really improved since Guilty Crown, and if nothing else you might have receded a bit. I'm not interested in watching videos over again if they're going to be the same quality that you have been posting here. That's the main reason why this review is so short this time: You've heard all of these criticisms before, and the main thing that's different this time is that Mgoosh has improved and you cast your female lead really well. Other than that, it's the same old shit, different video.

Next victim.

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-08-2013, 07:44 PM
Post: #93
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
You're right. I might've receded a bit.

For the past year after the guilty crown abridged review I've been trying to improved... but I'm not sure if I knew how to all along...
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07-09-2013, 03:26 PM (This post was last modified: 07-09-2013 04:06 PM by LightningCrabz.)
Post: #94
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck

S10's Ghost in the Shell Abridged
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07-20-2013, 09:39 PM
Post: #95
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
For some reason I got logged out right before I posted my critique, so I lost all of my first copy. Let's try this again.

Ghost in the Shell Abridged by Section 10.

Editing:

Spoiler(Show)
Not much I can tell you about editing. You'd be better off asking someone like Eze who's actually competent at it.

Voice Acting:

Spoiler(Show)
Your deliveries are often slow and deliberate, even when its inappropriate for them to be so. You have a lot of excitable spots, action sequences, etc. in this series, but you have the same delivery whether the Major is talking to the Chief at the end or if Togusa and Batou are kicking in a door. Not only does it feel unemotional, but it drags out the run time.

Scripting:

Spoiler(Show)
First thing: You use way too many words to express an idea.

Quote:Togusa: The legendary mysterious crime that happened 6 years ago that people STILL haven't solved TO THIS DAY? Awesome!

Quote:Togusa: The infamous and unsolvable crime from six years ago? Awesome!

Same idea, fewer words. Quicker deliveries will help speed dialog along and give your video a bit more punch.

Second and most important: You, as the writer, care too much. Even though I absolutely love Rurouni Kenshin, there's a very good reason I didn't finish one until me and Zeke collaborated on Hiko Mitsurugi, which took two years of its own right. I like Ruroken as much as you like GitS, and for that reason I had issues making fun of it. You seem to have a lot of the same problem.

Most of your lines are exposition or "half fandub" lines that aren't part of the original, but might as well be. If I wanted to know every plot point of Ghost in the Shell, I would watch Ghost in the Shell. At some point, you have to break away from the original source material. What I'm looking for from you as the guy who is parodying Ghost in the Shell is a parody, not a retelling with jokes here and there. I understand you're going for a series that captures the flavor of the original, but for the love of God, throw in a pun or make some sort of wordplay to break it up.

The only advice I can give is the same advice I give to everyone: Find someone that makes you laugh and then imitate them. I like Zach Galifinakis, so I tend to write characters who are losers but think that they are cooler or more competent than they are. If you like Adam Sandler, go watch Happy Gilmore or the Wedding Singer. If you find a stand up comedian you like, go check out their shows on Youtube.

Hopefully you and your cowriter(s) can balance things out, but this is the biggest thing you need to work on.

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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07-20-2013, 10:22 PM (This post was last modified: 07-20-2013 10:52 PM by LightningCrabz.)
Post: #96
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(07-20-2013 09:39 PM)Truthordeal Wrote:  Your deliveries are often slow and deliberate, even when its inappropriate for them to be so. You have a lot of excitable spots, action sequences, etc. in this series, but you have the same delivery whether the Major is talking to the Chief at the end or if Togusa and Batou are kicking in a door. Not only does it feel unemotional, but it drags out the run time.

That's a good point and something I hadn't thought about before. I'll try to keep that in mind when I'm directing.


As for the writing, you really hit the nail on the head there with all of that.

That fandubishness is something I've been noticing too, and for that reason I'm glad we're moving away from the Nanao plotline now and that Kimchi is going to be full-on writing the episodes with me now, instead of just helping me to fill in gaps. We've already blocked out most of the next one and I guarantee it won't feel fandubby to you. The dude is a riot.

I definitely feel like I've taken some steps back in writing since my episode 4, both with humor and fandubishness. There's a number of factors I'd point to for this, but the short version is really just life being stressful and depressing for me these past 12 months, and its been getting to me more and more. Its made it harder for me to come up with jokes and really....break out of the shell...of ghost in the shell(yes, I should be stabbed for that one). After this next episode, I think I'll take a break until I finish up college. Get a load off my mind so I can be my silly old self again.

Thanks a lot, Truth.

S10's Ghost in the Shell Abridged
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09-02-2013, 06:45 PM
Post: #97
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck

(01-20-2014 10:31 PM)Pineapple Justice Wrote:  That's what makes us great.
That's what makes this place great.
And, by god, that's what makes America great.
*Flag waving behind me. Oh, so gloriously. Suck it, England.*

God bless the AbrigeForms!
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09-04-2013, 09:30 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2013 09:30 AM by Truthordeal.)
Post: #98
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck

[Image: DIkziCj.png?1]

Twitter: Truthordeal

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breath their final breath. And if what that man did in his life, makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, of those who honor him and make whatever the man did live forever."
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09-04-2013, 01:20 PM
Post: #99
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck
(09-04-2013 09:30 AM)Truthordeal Wrote:  It's a sub-par to average pilot. I wouldn't watch another episode unless someone told me it got a lot better.

Thank you for giving honest feedback instead of just generic praise. I definitely can't say anything you said wasn't true either. The only thing I can say is that I'll just do my best to try and improve on everything.

Perhaps one day I'll become an abridging god and you can tell everyone how you were the one that helped me learn not to suck!
But probably not.
Hopefully I'll at least get good enough that you at least won't have to be embarrassed to say you watched one of my episodes.

(01-20-2014 10:31 PM)Pineapple Justice Wrote:  That's what makes us great.
That's what makes this place great.
And, by god, that's what makes America great.
*Flag waving behind me. Oh, so gloriously. Suck it, England.*

God bless the AbrigeForms!
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09-05-2013, 03:03 AM
Post: #100
RE: Truthordeal's Thread on Learning How to Not Suck



during the song, there is a moment were I sing off key, which bummed me out, but upon looking into it, was actually just the result of putting an echo effect in a song.

Apart from that, tear apart my videos 6 year old anus with your giant black cock of critique.

Go see Age of Inside Out.
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